I am so excited to finally join up with Sufficient Grace Ministries and their Walking With You series. I love reading other momma's stories and hearing about their journey. It is so wonderful to have a community where we can share ALL about our babies!
Here is the link to the Sufficient Grace blog where you can link up with other's joining on this walk, or read the stories from other families. Just a heads up, this posts mentions my rainbows and has pictures of me pregnant both with my angel and a current one of my pregnant with my second rainbow.
So this week is all about introductions. Getting to know each other.
Hello, my name is Betty! I live in Ohio and have three amazing boys who are 30 (my hubs), 8, and almost 2. I am currently pregnant with my second rainbow. Here is the story of my sweet Vanessa...
Before my husband and I were married we discovered we were pregnant. I was shocked, scared....it was nuts. I knew pretty much right away. I debated about even taking a test I was so sure. I got up early one morning and drove to wal-mart. Before I even got out of the car the smell from the chinese restaurant at the opposite end of the shopping center made me sick...and I almost just turned around. But I didnt. When i got home, and the test was positive, I woke up my then finance and told him the news. He cracked an eye, said, "I know." and went back to sleep.
A few days later we went to tell my dad. He asked me when we found out and I told him. He looked a little shaken and told me he had to tell me something. The morning I drove to get that test...He experienced something he said he will never forget. He had JUST gotten saved, maybe a year, and was doing his devotions. As he was praying he heard an AUDIBLE voice ask him, "Kenny, would you like a granddaughter?" I asked him what his answer was and he said, "I heard the voice of God speaking to me...I was a little speech less!" Haha! And so we began our journey with our little girl.
I started bleeding at about 5 weeks. I started taking belly pictures to capture each moment. I went to the doctor and was able to see a heart beat...at just 5 weeks. She was measuring RIGHT on and had a good strong heart beat. The doctor could see where the bleeding had come from, but was very confident since the heart beat was so good. We called her our "Peanut." This ultrasound is the first one pictured above.
At 6 weeks I was still bleeding and went to the ER. A "missed Miscarrige." That did NOT make me feel good. I was sent home and told to take it easy. My doctor gave me progesterone suppositories to try. I remember the panic as I would go to the restroom an hour or so later and there would be this clump with the blood. I would freak out thinking I had lost the baby. My poor husband would have to come into the bathroom with a spoon and dig it out of the toilet...after which we would stand around it trying to figure out what it was. i couldnt live with the thought of flushing my baby down the toilet. Come to find out it was the capsule from the prometrium. Ugh. We have good laugh over that one now. I had cravings...hash browns cooked in butter and medium well done steaks. Odd because I am a VERY well done type of girl! We often joke that it was cholesterol poisoning that did our little one in. Obviously not, but it serves as a good warning!
At 7 weeks we were still bleeding. On the night of April 12, 2010 as my husband was putting my son to bed I had a severe cramp. I knew. I could feel her life slipping away. I told my husband and we called the doctor first thing the next morning. As I was sitting in the office Kelly Clarkson's "All Ready Gone" was playing. I felt as though my daughter was singing to me. Look it up on youtube and listen to it in that way. Oh, i still cant hear that song. Anyway, We were called right back to the US room. The tech looked so serious and after just a few minutes she got up and brought the doctor in. He looked no happier. I will NEVER forget the look on his face or his tone of voice. "I'm so sorry. I cant find a heart beat. The baby is measuring a week behind and there is NO heart beat." I lost it. I was given the pictures from the scan and told I could take them if I wanted, or leave them. It was such a hard decision. I ultimately walked out with them...and I'm so thankful I did.
The doctor was upset because he wanted to do a D&C THAT day...right then, but the hospital said it wasnt his day in the OR. He went round and round with them but they would not let him in. I didnt understand his urgency. No big deal. We will do it tomorrow. My husband begged some xanax out of him (i have aweful anxiety) and we were sent on our way to do pre-registry stuff at the hospital. Over and over they asked me the date of my last period...and over and over again I broke down. They apologized and I struggled to remember the dates. I started to dread a new person being introduced because it meant that question again...another smack in my face. More salt in my wound. All the blood work was done, papers filled. All I had to do was show up. We picked up my perscription (I STILL have a hard time getting things filled there), and went home. We made phone calls. "What happened?" "It's all for the best. "God has a reason." "Maybe something would have been wrong with it." "Better now than later." "what did you do?" I silently thanked God for the xanax.
The next day I knew why the doctor had been so urgent to do the surgery. My husband had to practically DRAG me to the hospital. They were about to take away all that I had left of my daughter. She was gone, but her tiny little body was still inside me...and they wanted to take it away. I was given an IV laced with Valium. I burned right through it. Before they took me in I started to panic and told them they were going to have to give me something stronger. The nurse smiled and already had what she called a "cocktail' made up for me. Apparently it was Valium, a form of Xanax, and a start to the sedative the doctor was using in the OR. This was my first surgery as well. My husband assured me I wouldnt even dream. I would just go to sleep and then wake up in recovery. By the time I was wheeled into the OR I was cracking jokes at the doctor. He laughed at me and helped me onto the table...and got me off to sleep....where I dreamed.
I dreamed. When I close my eyes I still see it. It's sunset on Grace Bay on Turks and Caicos. The sunset is behind me. It's beautiful though. I can see the colors a little in front of me even. I feel so at peace. Beside me is my son and another little boy I didnt know...but I met him again at the birth of my rainbow. The older he gets the more I see that other little boy on the beach. My oldest son and I are strolling, holding hands. In front of us, down the beach just a bit is a little girl running. She has brown hair the color of my momma's, wavy like my MIL'S. It bounces as she almost skips along. I tell my son, "perhaps this is all for the best. THAT one would have been trouble!" We share a laugh and she turns to look over her shoulder, never stopping. She smiles at me and my breath catches...she looks nearly identical to a picture I have seen of my momma when she was younger, but yet I see my husband in there too. She smiles and looks right at me. Time freezes for just a second. And then I woke up.
I was calm. There was a nurse there and she almost looked scared expecting a rush of emotions. I calmly asked her for a drink of water and my husband. She brought me both. I was allowed to change and asked to leave. They said I had to stay at least half an hour...they prefer longer but I seemed to be tolerating everything fine. While we waited my husband told me he had looked at baby names while I was in surgery. Vanessarah. Vanessa and Sarah. Butterfly Princess. It was perfect, but really? We settled on Vanessa and went home.
Oh, it was hard. I cried, a lot. I blamed myself, I blamed God, I blamed everyone and everything I could think of. I spent HOURS outside crying to God. WHY? WHY? WHY? I watched as butterflies danced and skimmed over the corn field behind our house. I broke down. My husband was at my side. In a very weak moment I stood in my back yard and cussed out the butterflies. She was just like them. So beautiful and perfect. Dancing and skipping, so full of joy. And then they scamper off. Just like that. Taking their perfect joy with them, they leave. Now my anger was even directed at my sweet girl. I was a mess. But slowly I healed. I started seeing more joy and happiness in little things. I leaned on God more. Yes, I had lashed at him, but through it all, even when I didnt WANT to believe, I clung to the promises I knew in my heart to be true...and they got me through. I cherished my son more. I learned what it felt like have the entire world ripped out from under me...and to still be standing. I often think of Natalie Grant's "Held". I learned to not take life, health, people, places for granted. I loved more deeply. I cared more. I tried more. I also now knew that if God could bring through that..He would see me through ANYTHING. I knew I had a lesson to learn. God does NOTHING without a purpose. I was to be patient and find it...and I have found many. If nothing else, I can now help others who are feeling so alone as their world crashes down.
That time in the OR was not the only time my daughter has visited me. Sure there are butterflies who get closer than they used too...flowers, mainly white roses...the smell haunts me some days. But a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant with my rainbow (just three months later...and married :)) I was having a really rough time. Would she feel replaced? Would she think I didnt love her? That I wasnt strong enough and was trying to forget her? I was plagued. I felt such extreme guilt. Until one night. In the dream, she was older. Older than me. Around 30. Instantly I knew it was her though. She was surrounded by white fluffy clouds and she was radiant. She smiled at me sweetly and instantly the feeling of guilt rose up inside me. Just as quickly she rolled her eyes at me, looking every bit like a teenager, and then smiled so knowingly at me. She said, "Mom. Seriously. It's OK. I just want you to be happy." I woke up...in peace. And that guilt has NEVER plagued me since. Every once in a while I will catch a women in my dreams that I cant quite place, but I KNOW I know her. She smiles at me so coyly. Ornery almost. As soon as I wake up it hits me...and I laugh and roll my eyes. She is still there. She still visits. She knows I need her.
Me freshly pregnant with Vanessa
She will be celebrating her 3rd angel day on April 12 of this year. She has medium length brown wavy hair, green eyes like my mother, my smile. My husbands skin tone and hair. She is a spitfire...full of energy and life. She has a laugh like the sound of wind chimes, and she loves to play little tricks. She's ornery like her younger brother. Above all else, I know with my entire heart that she loves me. She spends each and every day watching over me and making sure that I am happy.
I am currently pregnant with our second rainbow. I would LOVE to tell you that this pregnancy has been easier to deal with emotionally, but it hasnt. At least this time I'm not riddled with guilt over being happy. We decided to NOT find out the sex of this baby, but I have a very strong feeling that it is a girl. God always sends us just what we need...and I am missing nothing else here on earth. Not to mention I seem to be carrying different than I did the boys. Here is a shot at 14 weeks. I'm so thankful for the path that God has carried me through. I have learned so much about myself, about life, about relationships, and about family. I am a stronger person...who cries more. I cherish my children so much more. I wish I had known the things with my first son that I know now.
My grief should not be fresh, but some days it still feels that way. I still have days where I stand at my kitchen window and let the tears roll. I have a special cry that only comes out when I'm missing her. My husband doesnt even ask anymore. He unfortunately has learned the sound of a mother's heart breaking over and over. You know, I used to be AFRAID of going to Heaven. The thought of a never ending eternity scared me. Now, well, I cant wait! I long for my Lord to come call me home. Not only will I finally get to see the One who has carried me through so much, but my family will be whole. I will embrace my daughter...and thank her. I know they say there will be no tears in Heaven, but I think there will be. Happy ones.
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