Mistakes

Have you ever hit bottom and then looked behind you, seeing a whole slew of mistakes that led you to the exact moment you are standing in?  In the individual moments you had no idea, but looking back you can see how you set yourself up.  That has been this weekend for me.

This weekend was planned with literal back to back activities.  I told myself it was "family weekend" and we were having fun with my oldest.  And then today happened.  More on today later.

Last night I was achy...pregnancy hurts, what can I say?   My back goes out, my hips follow.  The pain triggers my ankles to hurt, and eventually it finds it's way into my neck and shoulders.  Thinking perhaps my blood pressure was high, and it was a little elevated for me, I hopped in an oatmeal bath.  It was glorious.  To help with the insomnia I've been having I sprinkled in a few drops of Lavender oil.  Mistake One.  Lavender makes  me think purple, purple makes me think Vanessa.  I basked in it, though.  I thought back on my time with her and rinsed my swollen belly with oatmeal water.  I went to bed with Daniel and slept like a husband.  Lol!

This morning I had every intention of staying home with Daniel while Landon and my oldest, Luke, went to a pancake breakfast for the Masons in Upper.  I didnt want to take little man since he and I are dairy free due to allergies...and he so loves his pancakes.  I felt bad, though, because my MIL volunteers (she's in Easter Star) and she loves showing off her grand babies.  What grandma doesnt?  So, Landon suggested I take some of my own pancakes I had made a froze.  Off we went to Upper.  Mistake two.  On the way there I was thinking about all the times we had went before.  My dad and grandpa are awesome at remembering dates and like to play, "Guess what happened 5 years ago today."  Drives me nuts, but then I catch myself doing it too.  Going back year by year I remembered that it was at this exact pancake breakfast in 2010 that we handed Landon's mom and grandma little poems that were written by, and signed by, baby Jackson...who was none other than Vanessa.  This was the event where we announced to them that we were expecting.  My heart caught for a moment and then I looked out the car window at the beautiful day we had been blessed with and I mentally moved on.

Here is the problem I have with mentally moving on...I don't always.  My proverbial stove top has a HUGE amount of back burners, and that is where most things get put.  I think I've let something go and some to find out it was just simmering in the back somewhere.  I started feeling withdrawn at the breakfast...nothing new. I figured it was just due to the crowd.  On the way home I started getting tense and my head ache came back.  I pretty much became a bag of raging hormones when my husband decided he didnt want to go shopping for the kids' Easter baskets today...He's tired of going and we still have Fun Night at the school tonight.  I got irritable, felt sick, moody, sore all over....hormones I decided.  I sat in this state stewing over my cancelled plans.  I told myself it was for the best since I was so sore and I have two events, one tonight and one tomorrow, that I had volunteered for that would require lots of walking.  I decided that I was just so upset because I spend all week cooped up in the house with no car...it's a weekend and dang it I want to go somewhere.  It wasn't until I was making lunch and found myself sobbing while stirring some chicken noodle soup that realized what was wrong with me.  It was HER.  My heart ached for HER.  I sobbed...I cried...I scared the pants off my husband.  I couldn't tell him what was wrong.  It's been three years.  I don't even know if he gives her much of a thought anymore.  When I was done, I felt better.  Fewer aches, less of that caged animal feeling for not being let out of my house...I looked back and seen how I had been subconsciously trying to avoid this weekend for weeks.  I panicked because my crazy husband made me stay home and face it.

For those finding this who are fresh in their grief, yes, it gets better, and yes, it will still hurt.  There will be days YEARS down the road when you get knocked off your feet...but standing up gets easier.