WWY~Mirror, Mirror-The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!

Comparison has never really been a problem with me as far as my grief.  I accepted early on that we are all different and it all comes at different times.  Where I struggle with comparison in my grief walk is seeing the support that other people get from friends and family.  I have wrote about it before so I wont really say much about it now...but it something that I really struggle with.  It's hard to see life long friends slip away when you need them most...and the words that come from family members sting like no other.

One thing I really struggled with in the "early" days was seeing pregnant women.  It was worse when they were really young mothers, were in really poor financial situations, already had a bunch of children, or were known to be poor mothers.  "Why is she being blessed with this gift and mine, who I prayed for for years, wanted so badly, and had loved so fiercely, was tore from within me?"  Some days I struggle with this...when I see a mother and daughter, when I go to a wedding, when I see little three year old girls.  I remind myself that if she were still here I wouldnt be who I am today.  It was a hard road, but I made some rather necessary changes to myself after loosing Vanessa.  Still.  It's just plain hard.

In the general sense...we are all guilty of comparing ourselves to other women.  Between sites like Pinterest and Facebook it's hard not too.  "So and So pinned this so they must be doing all these things."  Honestly, I dont do half the stuff I pin.  They are just ideas for the future in case I get bored and need something to do.  Women post on facebook about their child meeting this milestone or that, loosing weight, being pregnant, getting a promotion, taking a trip...it's easy to want what they have, compare ourselves to them or our children to theirs.  It's hard to remind ourselves that we are all different and kiddos develop at different rates.  God has blessed us each in different ways according to our needs and talents.  The lady getting the trip could probably really use the vacation...perhaps she's having trouble at work or the kids are stressing her out, and she just plain needs a break.  The family getting a promotion may need a new car, or have trouble paying their bills.  WHO KNOWS!  It's God's job to worry about WHY they are being blessed, and it is our job to be happy about for them...kick Satan and his harmful thoughts to the curb!  That can be easier said than done sometimes.

I got pregnant with my first son while still in high school.  I never finished my college degree.  I didnt even go to school for what I dreamed of doing.  I dont have a job. My husband is 30 and still in school with no job.  I am married with 2 (living) children and one on the way, and my family lives with my dad.  My husband struggles daily with narcolepsy and it can make him cranky and makes daily tasks hard for him sometimes.  Yeah, I compare my life to other's a lot.  But here is what I try to tell myself:

My oldest son gave me the strength and courage to leave a relationship that was not healthy.  I didnt go for school for what I always thought I would, and I did not finish, but I learned that my heart was at home with my children before wasting even more money on a degree I would likely never use.  I dont have a job because it would be pointless...all I made would go to childcare, taxes, and insurance...and I just plain function better when I'm home with my babies.  My husband loves me above anything else and he tries his hardest to help me out...he has amazing people skills and his professors are all so understanding and helpful with his disorder. He is an amazing man of God who loves his family and does all he can to care for us.  He has taught me more about my self and life in the past 8 years...Yes, I live with my dad.  If I moved out he would be the most lonely and miserable person on the planet.  We have a rather special relationship and we need each other.  At some point, hopefully in the distant future, I wont hear him come home from work  or get up in the morning to talk with him before he goes off to work.  Like my children, I will enjoy him while I have him.

It is so so hard to do, but we must remember WHY our lives are the way they are.  WHY did God give us THIS life and not another?  Because HE knows what we need and what we can handle.  It is up to us to trust Him and go with it.  We need to remind ourselves that all that comparison does is breed negativity and make us feel bad about ourselves.  Dont let the devil get a hand hold on your heart!  Kick that liar to the curb!