The Dreaded Three Days

This weekend has been so hard.  I've tried, really I have, to not dwell on things, but it seems to be sneaking up on me like never before.  I will be up doing dishes and the next thing I realize is that I'm staring out the window with tears in my eyes.  Normally it's just a sadness that washes over me, but this year I'm angry.  I'm angry at the world, every baby girl I see, even God to a degree.  How can these people with precious girls complain about them?  How can they wish them away, even in a fit of exasperation?  How could God, with His ability to know all, take away something that my heart so longed for?

 I keep thinking of all the things I will never get to do...not just because she is gone, but because we are done having children and she was my only chance...I will never watch my daughter learn to walk, I will never dress her in frilly clothes, I will never make her booties with bows, I will never talk about boys with her, never watch as she falls in love, and I will never be able to console her when her heart is broken.  There is no one for me to pass down MY legacy to.  Boys only carry a mother so far.  It's the things they learn from their father that they live with...how to change a tire, how to fix things, how to drive, how to shoot.  No one cares about family recipes.  No one cares about the best way to get soap scum off the shower.  I will never help my daughter get ready for her first day of school, homecoming, the prom, dates, her wedding...I will never see her swell as she carries a sweet child with in her.  I will never be able to pass down all I know and all I have learned about being a mother.  I feel like a dead end road.

We are taking Daniel to a local nature building today where they are bringing out animals and letting the kids touch them...he should really enjoy that.  Just something special to get out of the house.  I hope it works.

Dreaming of Her

Isnt it amazing how things can mean one thing to you one day and something completely different the next?  As your life changes, as YOU change, things like song lyrics, poems, quotes, and even dreams, can take on whole new meanings.

After the birth of my first son I started dreaming of another baby.  These were extremely vivid "feel like I'm really there" type dreams.  It was always the same baby...Always.  It was a little girl, a sweet precious little girl.  In my dreams I was pregnant with her, I labored with her...I never saw the delivery, but I nursed her.  I remember sitting in a rocking chair late at night with her wrapped in my arms, singing her the songs that my grandma sang to me when I was just a baby.  I watched her grow into toddler hood, but mostly my dreams centered around her as a baby.  Her coos, her cries, her smiles, her needs, her fears....HER.

I was convinced this was God's way of telling me that my next baby would be a girl.  I had always wanted a little girl....always.  I wanted someone to carry MY legacy, some one to teach MY things to, some one with whom I could break a cycle that has been in family for generations.  Her name was to be Emma Lou after both of my grandma's.  I knew we would have our issues as time moved on, as all mothers and daughters do, but she was to ultimately be my best friend.

When we became pregnant with Vanessa there was no doubt in my mind she was a girl.  I had been dreaming of her for years!  I instantly started calling her Emma as a step of faith.  I talked to her about every last little detail of every day.  Folding clothes, doing dishes, her daddy's touch, my love, the color of the sky, the songs of the birds....everything.  When she left me...oh, the pain.  It was like having all those hopes and dreams ripped out of my heart, my mind...my very existence was torn.  I felt her death all the way to my core.  She was NOT my Emma.  She couldnt have been.  I was to watch that little girl grow up, hold her in my arms, nurse her, cuddle her....and so we named her Vanessa.  My Emma would not have left me.

The more I think about it, though, I have to wonder, was that really her in those dreams?  So many times God has allowed me glimpses of her to calm my heart and mind.  Could that have been His way of knowing the pain to come and allowing me to have some time with her.  I cherished those dreams then just as I cherish the ones I have now.  Now that I am on THIS side of my baby days...and it has become obvious I will never have the daughter my heart so longed for...I have to wonder if that was who that was all along.  I saved the name Emma for a living daughter I thought I would some day have, but what if Vanessa had been the Emma from my dreams and Emma in my dreams was really Vanessa?  Does that even make sense to anyone but me?  I thought they were two different little girls, but they could have been the same.  God gave me so much time with her...years...and I didnt even know it.

Breathing

This week is about breathing.  Just breathing.  The housework doesnt matter.  The family will be fed.  The day will keep moving on.  I just have to breath.  One foot in front of the other.

This weekend marks my little girl's third angelversary.  I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt.  It's not that all consuming grief, and Im sure it's being exacerbated by pregnancy hormones, but it still stings.  I try to not dwell on it, but this week is especially tough.  I'm so thankful for the sweet little boys God has sent me to ease my pain.  I have been pouring my time into crocheting things for them.  DH is helping me find something fun to do this week with Daniel to celebrate Vanessa's short, sweet life.  Luke will be with his dad.  Right now we are thinking about just cooking out and maybe going to some events at a local nature park.  I'm sure, Lord willing and weather permitting, there will be geocaching involved.  None of us can cache anymore without thinking of her.  It was so helpful to me to get out of the house and pour my attention into SOMETHING those early months...even if it was something as silly as finding tupperware in the woods.  LoL!  Hey, whatever helps!

Please, keep us in your prayers.  Like I said, the pregnancy hormones arent helping me one bit.