This weekend has been so hard. I've tried, really I have, to not dwell on things, but it seems to be sneaking up on me like never before. I will be up doing dishes and the next thing I realize is that I'm staring out the window with tears in my eyes. Normally it's just a sadness that washes over me, but this year I'm angry. I'm angry at the world, every baby girl I see, even God to a degree. How can these people with precious girls complain about them? How can they wish them away, even in a fit of exasperation? How could God, with His ability to know all, take away something that my heart so longed for?
I keep thinking of all the things I will never get to do...not just because she is gone, but because we are done having children and she was my only chance...I will never watch my daughter learn to walk, I will never dress her in frilly clothes, I will never make her booties with bows, I will never talk about boys with her, never watch as she falls in love, and I will never be able to console her when her heart is broken. There is no one for me to pass down MY legacy to. Boys only carry a mother so far. It's the things they learn from their father that they live with...how to change a tire, how to fix things, how to drive, how to shoot. No one cares about family recipes. No one cares about the best way to get soap scum off the shower. I will never help my daughter get ready for her first day of school, homecoming, the prom, dates, her wedding...I will never see her swell as she carries a sweet child with in her. I will never be able to pass down all I know and all I have learned about being a mother. I feel like a dead end road.
We are taking Daniel to a local nature building today where they are bringing out animals and letting the kids touch them...he should really enjoy that. Just something special to get out of the house. I hope it works.
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2 years ago