My First Christmas...in Heaven.

I picked this up from another baby lost Mama I happened to stumble upon...from Holly's site I believe.  Here is a link to her blog so you can read her story.  Thank you so much for the "gentle reminder."  I hope everyone enjoys my happy face because Christmas is so hard for me this year.  However, I keep reminding myself that she is better off where she is.

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,

With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away that tear,

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart,

But I am not so far away, we really aren’t apart.

So be happy for me dear one, you know I hold you dear,

And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send to you a special gift from my heavenly home above,

I send to you a memory of my underlying love.

After all, "love" is the gift more precious than pure gold,

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as the Father said to do,

For I can’t count the blessings, or the love he has for you.

So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear,

Remember, I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Gearing Up for Christmas at the Jackson's

We went ahead and bought Daniel's stocking tonight!  The stores are starting to put Christmas stuff on sale 50% off so we went ahead and got him his sock.  It's just a simple red and white one that you write the name on the top.  They had some really cute ones, but I was afraid if we got one for Daniel that Luke would be jealous...he has the red one too.  I dont know why, but stockings really set me off missing Vanessa.  It's just not right that she would have been born earlier this month and has no stocking.  I'm seriously considering buying one of those little tiny ones for her to hang with the boys' just so she doesnt feel left out...or rather so I dont feel like I'm leaving her out.

Today was Landon's birthday and we really didnt do much.  Poor guy has been sick again since we came home from Georgia.  At one point today he was running a fever of 102.  I get nervous when they get up that high, but we were able to get it to break.  We finished up some Christmas shopping tonight...and are opening presents here at home tomorrow.  It's so hard to do it with everyone's schedules so we normally do it a few days early...plus it drags it out for Luke to about 3-4 days in a row of presents. Ah, the perks of having your parents separated!  Yes, there are a few!

Christmas this year is so bittersweet, but we are doing our best to make Luke's last Christmas as an only child a good one....in fact, as we speak, Landon is doing some elve work - wrapping presents in the basement that Santa will leave Christmas Eve.

26 weeks

We made it home!  The trip to Georgia was GREAT and we had SO much fun with family down there, but I dont think I'll ever do a road trip this far along again.  The drive/riding was killer.  Other than that it was GREAT!  Luke had a ball and was so good the entire trip.  I loved having him with us.  He definetly made it more fun!

On the pregnancy side of things...BLOATED.  LoL!  I dont know why I bloat so bad when I'm pregnant.  I cant just gain a little weight like most people...I have to retain water like a dam.  My ankles are GONE.  I couldnt tell if it was weight gain or water, but I'm pretty sure it's water.  I'm swollen from my knees down, feet included....face included.  LoL.  I dont recognize myself any more.  I just keep telling myself that he will come out and all will gradually go back to normal.  Just hang in there!

I keep going back and forth between really excited to the point of tears about Daniel coming and then the next moment I'm absolutely terrified about labor.  Ugh.  I did the same thing with Luke only worse, but it still sucks.  You gotta love the hormones.  On the way home I started crying because I wanted to come home and vaccum MY carpet.  Yes, I'm serious.  Still havent done it either.

So we are at 26 weeks.  Some where between here and 28 weeks we hit the 3rd trimester.  There is some discrepancy as to where it starts, but it's around here some where.  January 6th we go back for the 2nd glucose test.  Dr. H wants us to go to the hospital before then and pre-register "just in case."  Things are gearing up for the big arrival, but March still feels so far off.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

YAY SNOW!

It has been so cold!  On the plus side we have so much pretty snow blowing all over the place.  Luke has not gone to school since last Thursday, goes tomorrow and then we are pulling him out to go to Georgia...getting him back for Tuesday, and then he is off till January.  Some kids have all the luck! LoL!  Landon has been busy with finals, but today's was cancelled so we all got to stay home and enjoy each other for the first time in a week.  We dont get time like this very often so we take advantage when we get it.  We spent all day today  making candy and cookies to take to Georgia with us. 

Daniel has been super active!  It's so calming to be able to feel him move around in there and KNOW he is ok.  I'm starting to get really really anxious about labor and delivery, but I know it will pass as the time gets closer for him to come.  I did the same with Luke.  It was so bad with him I locked myself in the girls bathroom at school and bawled for an hour one day.  Definitely not so bad this time around.  LoL!  This time I'm really excited to meet him....so much!  I cant wait to have another little man running around here.

Well, we are going to be MIA for awhile.  In GA till next monday and then super busy with Christmas stuff.  Every one have a great week/end!

The Shack

Landon's dad gave us a copy of The Shack a year or so ago and I really enjoyed it!  It was such a great book.  Since we lost Nessa I have started reading it again, and it is like reading a whole new book.  It's odd how events can change your way of seeing things.  I think every one who looses a child should take the time to read it...even those who havent would benefit from reading it.  This is a rather long review of the book, but it covers the faults in the authors theology, while at the same time being fair to the message the book is trying to convey.  I think a lot of the reviews are unfair in the sense that the author says things that people reading may be thinking or questioning...and reviewers see it as him undermining religious teachings.  The main character in this book has some serious "God" issues, and having lost a child myself, I can see why.  I was angry at this book the first time I read it.  I like it, but there was so much about it I disagreed with...little things that stood out as "not right."  After loosing Vanessa I found myself feeling just like the main character and asking the same characters.  NOTHING I had ever been taught really prepared me for what I was experiencing, but the book explained things in a way that I got.  I finally understood.  It sort of clicked.


Pick it up and see for yourself...let me know what YOU think about it.  Does it set off alarms or answer questions?  Personally, I would love to lay on a dock with Jesus and look at the stars :)

24 Weeks

Wow, 24 weeks....6 months...3 left.  It feels like I have forever to go, but 3 months really isnt that long.  Although, with winter just gearing up, March feels like forever away.  LoL!


How far along? 24 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I havent been near a scale for 2 weeks.  So I suppose I'm going with 30.  LoL

Maternity clothes? Of course.

Stretch marks? Top of my belly there are some new ones

Sleep:  I've been getting really tired again lately.

Best moment this week: We were cuddling in bed and Landon got the crap kicked out of him.  It was so sweet.  I thought Landon was going to cry.  Little one is getting so strong.

Movement: TONS! It's so comforting to feel him moving around in there...even though he is ALREADY reaching up into my rib cage from time to time.

Food cravings: Comes and goes.  Lately I've wanted oranges though.  I went through 5 of them in 3 days last week.

Anything making you queasy or sick: I get motion sick real easy.

Have you started to show yet: I may lash out at the next person who asks me if I'm SURE I'm not having twins.  I appologize ahead of time, but I'm tired of the twin thing.  It's just one long baby in a tiny short torso.

Leakage: Tapered off a little, but it's still collecting in there.

Gender prediction: Boy.

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In but not for long.  It's stretched to the max.

Wedding rings on or off? Officially off.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.

Weekly Wisdom: Just because the couch was your best friend during one pregnancy does not mean it wont throw out your entire hip and lower back in the next.



Belly Pic to come soon ;)

Yay, No one is Sick!

Luke has gone all day today without the sniffles!!!!!  I'm so excited I could jump up and down! 

Tomorrow we are going to Fremont for a marina party (we dock in Port Clinton and they have a get together somewhere around Christmas each year) and then after that we are headed for the zoo!  I'm so excited!  I was really rather bummed out we couldnt go, but it seems that some anti-stuffy medicine and staying in from recess did the trick!  Not to mention I slipped him a ton of vitamin C the past two days.  GA in two weeks!!!!!!  Then Christmas!!!!!

Tis The Season

Yay Christmas!!!!!!

Our mornings now consist of lighting the tree and listening to Christmas music.  LOVE IT!  This season is so much better not working in retail.  I no longer fear the month of December.  LoL! 
I've finally gotten back some of that 2nd trimester motivation and my house officially looks like it did when Landon and I first started dating.  It's amazing what pregnancy will do to a person ;)  I have finally fallen into a routine at home and feel so much healthier for it.  Dont get me wrong, I still have my moody moments, but not like I used to.

Tomorrow we were supposed to take Luke to the zoo.  I really wanted to take him before Daniel is born, and he LOVES the Christmas lights.  Now I'm not so sure we are going to make it.  We like to go down on a Friday night and see the lights, stay in a motel, and shop the next day before coming home.  Well, my darling son is coming down with a cold.  He CANNOT miss school if we are going to take him to Georgia with us in a few weeks...so the zoo trip is getting scratched.  I feel really bad because I know how much he really wanted to go, but I think him and I are going to try and go Christmas shopping for Landon tomorrow.  He needs to study for finals any way.  LoL!

Daniel has been super active lately.  He's getting so strong too!  Luke loves to sit and watch him wriggle.  Every time I inhale he hollars, "Mom! He's jumping!"  No, honey, that's mommy trying to breath.  LoL!  Landon was able to rest his hand on my belly for quite a while last night while Daniel kicked.  He was so excited.  It was great to be able to share the moment with him.  I feel bad hogging all the kicks, but I know it wont be too long before they all can feel them just as strong as I do and the novelty will wear off.

Ever since our ultrasound Luke has wanted a picture of his baby brother.  I found a frame at Burlington the other day that said, "Me and my Big Brother" and I got it for him!  Next belly pic I'm going to have him with me...hopefully kissing my belly, but you never know what you can or can't get the kid to do.  Any way, I'm putting it in the frame for him for Christmas from Daniel.  I thought he would get a kick out of that.

Well, the dryer just stopped so I'm off to hang and fold more clothes.  I hope you have a wonderful weekend!  I know we will!

Due Date

I need to do a catch up post because sooo much has been going on!  I havent even posted about Thanksgiving yet! Today deserves it's very own one though.  Today is a very special one.  Today was the day that Dr. H said our darling little girl would be born.  Given such a thing is not an exact science...The full moon was last Tuesday.  It REALLY hit me then.  I'm not sure why but I LOST it last Tuesday.  I hadn't really thought much about it and I randomly just started bawling...missing my little girl.  I have been a pretty big grouch all week too.  No matter how much I tried to shove it out of my mind, today's date was hanging over my head.  Yesterday was the worst.  I bawled hysterically for a good hour and pretty much became a hermit all day.  I figured today would be much of the same, but our Vanessa had other plans it seems.

Luke has been begging for snow for a month.  Every morning there was a frost he would FREAK thinking it was snow.  Landon also has this thing where if it is going to be cold out there needs to be snow on the ground.  So I get up this morning...a little bummed, but not depressed like I thought I would be.  I was in the kitchen making lunches and getting breakfast.  Landon had just gotten up and I was headed in to try to wake Luke again.  I looked out the kitchen window...and the ground was covered in snow, and there was more coming down.  I teared up and literally DRUG Luke out of bed.  I would have carried him, but the kid is over my lift limit.  LoL.  I pushed him through the house, threw open the back door and squealed at the poor kid.  He stood there rubbing his eyes.  He was smiling, but soo out of it.  Suddenly it Vanessa popped into my head and I had this feeling it was from her...just for her big brother.  I whispered in his ear that maybe his baby sister knew how much he wanted snow and sent him some since she couldnt be here.  He turned, hugged me so tight.....and ran back to bed.  LoL!  It has really helped though...having the gorgeous snow falling all day long.  It just makes the day feel magical some how.

I know that she is in a better place...she is so happy and will never have a worry in Heaven, but I miss her so much.  There was so much that I didnt get to do with her.  This was supposed to be her first Christmas and it has really been hard getting ready for the holiday without her.  Babies just make Christmas so much more fun.  It really hurt to hang the stockings up and she didnt have one.  So many traditions and stuff that I wanted to pass down with her, but no more.  It really really made me feel so loved to see that snow this morning.  It was something that all three of us were looking forward to this winter, and there it was ON her due date. 

Here is that ornament I found at Menards for Vanessa.  We called her our Peanut so this was perfect!

Also, today was the due date for a dear friend of mine who lost her little girl as well.  Her daughter's name was Emma so please say a prayer for Anna and myself today...and all throughout the Christmas season.

Torn

I've spent the last few days rather torn.  My hormones are all over the place for some reason and it's just making a hard situation even harder to deal with.  With the due date of Vanessa lingering so very close everything is setting me off.  I'm a basket case.  I cry at every thing and get upset over the littlest of things.  It would be different if there were someone I could talk to, but everyone seems to have forgotten her.  When I bring her up I either get silent sympathetic looks, or the same old speeches about things "being for the best."  I quit talking to anyone other than Landon about her.  Well, he went to school today so that just left me and poor Daniel.  I say poor Daniel because I assume he is feeling my emotions along with me...and even I dont know what to do with them.

I feel guilty for being excited about him.  It's the only thing that takes the weight off my chest and shoulders, but I feel guilty about it.  I know, I know. She wants me to be happy and is happy too...I know.  I had a dream about it MONTHS ago, but still.  At the same time I feel guilty for grieving her and not being happy with the little one inside me.  *sigh*  No wonder it's hard to breathe.  Dont get me wrong, I love my Daniel.  He's the best thing to happen  to me since Landon, but I will forever miss, and long for, the little darling I never really knew.  It wasnt a "pregnancy" I lost.  It was a life time of dreams.  It was helping her for prom..her wedding...her babies....her life.  It was brown curls and big green eyes...a mischievous grin...a ton of pictures I never took, memories I never made.

Hopefully someone out there gets this and doesnt take it the wrong way.  Like I said, I love my Daniel.  He has really helped me heal a lot...but it's still a loss...and I'm still processing it.

22 Weeks

Today is the official 22 week mark!  I FEEL like 32 weeks, but that's another story.  Kid is LONG and I'm just a short little thing!

How far along? 22 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Just shy of 30 pounds

Maternity clothes? Of course.

Stretch marks? Nothing too serious, but they are there.

Sleep:  INSOMNIA.  My anxiety has been pretty bad which causes the insomnia monster to visit.  Dang.

Best moment this week: Feeling some really awesome kicks!

Movement: TONS! It's so comforting to feel him moving around in there...even though he is ALREADY reaching up into my rib cage from time to time.

Food cravings: Everything.  I've been eating so much...but it is all so good.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Bending over or trying to keep up with Landon in a store.  I really cant go that fast any more and it just doesnt agree with Jax to try.

Have you started to show yet: Oh, yes.

Leakage: Tapered off a little, but it's still collecting in there.

Gender prediction: Boy.

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In but not for long.  It's stretched to the max.

Wedding rings on or off? On for now.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.

Weekly Wisdom: Just bite your tongue.



On another note....
I was grocery shopping this evening and noticed a full moon out.  Daniel has been a little odd the last few days and I just figured this was why.  Full moons have that effect on babies it seems.  I didnt think anything else about it until I got home and was going through my planner for the next week.  I flipped to the following and seen that Vanessa's due date would have been next Wednesday....then it hit me...I could have been in labor RIGHT NOW.  I could have had her in my arms by Thanksgiving...ouch.

Holiday Season

I look forward to the holiday season each and every year, but then it comes and I just wish it was over.  We have each and ever weekend jam packed until sometime next year.  That is WITHOUT my work schedule.  This is supposed to be my busiest time of year work wise, but I havent been getting many hours so I suppose I at least have that to not worry about.  Last year we almost didnt even get to have Christmas as a family due to my work schedule.  This year I will just straight up quit if they pull that crap again.  I'm hormonal and I'm just not going to take it.  LoL!  That's my favorite part about being pregnant...it's busts up my give a damn.  LoL!

Little Daniel is getting stronger each day.  Last night he actually woke me by kicking in my hip.  I was annoyed at first, but then I remembered all the kicks from Vanessa I was missing out on and decided it was the most glorious feeling I had ever experienced....even if it was 4 am.  We are really getting excited for the little man to get here!

In a few weeks we are planning a road trip to Georgia for Landon's sister's graduation.  I keep going back and forth about whether or not to go.  It's so far and the doctor is concerned about blood clots so we have to stop every hour or so for 20 minutes.  GREAT oppertunity for geocaching, but I refuse to go without Luke and am NOT crazy about pulling him out of school longer than I need to.  The next week he leaves to spend a week and a half with his dad and I dont want to miss the last weekend I'll have with him till next year.  Still, it will take so much to drive that we only be in Georgia a few hours on friday and have to turn around and leave again.  I hate making decisions so my husband told me to go.  I really like it when he just tells me what to do.  LoL!  Saves me stress. 

It's a......

BOY!

Our little one weighed about 13 oz and has super long legs and arms!  Head looks like his daddy's and he has a little belly like Luke did!  So super cute!  I cannot wait to hold the little love!

Daniel Coleman Patrick Jackson

Daniel: Taken both from the Bible and from the character Daniel Jackson on Stargate SG-1.  We are officially super geeks

Coleman: Named after Landon's best friend, Vance Coleman, who has muscular dystrophy.  Kid is a super awesome trooper.  He's amazing and a true inspiration.

Patrick:  My grandma lost a baby right around 20 weeks who she named Patrick.

The doctor said everything looks amazing.  He is growing just right, has all his little bits and pieces.  Blood pressure is getting high.  They arent concerned, but she said I have 10 pts left before it reaches hypertension and I'm only half way done.  Weight may be playing a factor though.  I dont feel as though, nor do I look, like I've gained it, but I'm at 30 pounds.  I asked her about it and she said I can stop now.  LoL!  No more fast food!!!  Other than that I eat pretty well, it's just the dang convenience of the crap.  

We are cleared for travel.  Dr. H took the day off so no biopsy!  That made me feel a LOT better.  We will be doing it Dec. 9th at our next appointment.

It's Finally my Favorite Pregnant Day!

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with all three babies THIS is the day I looked forward to the most.  Yesterday was so full of anxiety and nerves, but today I just want to see!  I dont even care one bit who is in there, I just want good measurements, healthy heart, healthy baby.  Puh-weeze!!!!!

I dont really think I have slept since about 1am.  LoL!  I got up to pee and then laid there for what seemed like hours trying to go back to sleep, but when I looked at the clock again it had only been a few minutes.  I HATE that feeling.  Ugh!  So around 6:30 I gave in and got up.  I have about a half hour left before my "pee strike" starts so now I have THAT little jewel to look forward too.  For those of you who blissfully have no children, or who's doctor is not a sadist, a "pee strike" is when your doctor tells you to drink 32 oz (half a gallon!) of water and not pee for 2 hours before your appointment.  Apparently this fluid in your bladder pushes your uterus up and gives the Tech doing the scan a better picture.  It makes sense, but seriously?  I didnt have to do this at 12 weeks for my abdominal scan, everything was MUCH smaller, and we seen it all just fine!  She has zoom on that thing for a reason!  LoL!  Ok, stepping off soapbox.

We bought Luke a little something from the baby for after the US, however I set myself for failure.  I'm apparently so 100% sure that the baby is a boy that I bought a book entitled, "Micheal's New Baby Brother."  The baby in the book is named Daniel so of course it was just too perfect.  The problem is that they had NO book for a baby sister.  How sexist!  LoL!  So we are celebrating if he has a baby brother and just saying, "Congrats.  Go back to school." if it's a girl.  Poor kid.  I have a feeling he's going to cry if they tell him he's getting a sister any way.  HaHa!  He's so excited though.  I didnt think HE would be able to sleep he was so hyper over it.  I know we will have to be really careful because he's been my only for so long, but I honestly feel in my heart and soul that he is going to be the best big brother a kid ever had.  He's my Luke, of course he'll do awesome!

Well, it's time to start coffee and breakfast for my boys.  I will keep you all updated as soon as I get a chance.  With the biopsy and all that jazz being right after it will take me awhile, but there is no way I will be able to keep this all to myself!  Pictures soon!!!

One more day!

Tomorrow is the big day!  Our ultrasound is scheduled for 9:30 am and I am sort of having mixed feelings about it.  There is just something about seeing your baby on that screen that makes it so real...so amazing...but then I immediately have to go back to the "procedure" room for a coloscopy and biopsy...which has a nasty history of causing pre-term labor and, of course, my old nemesis bleeding.  I would have preferred that he done the biopsy last week and let me have my freak out time, but do the ultrasound later so that I could see that everything was ok.  I'm one of those people who need that tangible proof.  Weeks of nothing bad happening is not enough for me.  I need to see it to know it's ok.  As it stands I get to see the baby, bond that much more, and then spend the rest of my pregnancy wondering if everything is ok.  I'm seriously considering putting MYSELF on bed rest for a few days even if HE doesnt.  LoL!  I just really cant go through all that again.

On the other hand, I'm so excited to finally find out who is in there!  I litterally felt last night like there was an octopus in there at one time there was so much twirling and swirling going on.  Little one was having a ball!  I've really enjoyed this pregnancy...I mean, yeah, it's super really nerve wracking and I'm an emotion wreck from time to time, but physically this has so far been a cake walk...aside from that early nausea.  Back pain and swelling is really my only complaint.  It would different if the silly thing wasnt so LOW!  My goodness.  I had someone stop me yesterday and ask me if I was ok because they had never seen a woman carry a baby so low.  I wanted so bad to say "No, my groin hurts, my hips hurt, my back hurts, and my bladder hurts," but I just smiled and said, "It's not so bad!"  All while wincing through the head ache.  LoL! 

Any last minute predictions?  So far I have 3 votes for a girl and all the rest going towards a boy, myself included.  I want a girl so bad, but I trust God to know what is best for me and our family.  Belly pic coming tomorrow along with the results...pictures from the ultrasound coming as soon as we get them scanned.  Stay Tuned!

Halloween Peanuts

 Ok, I hadnt posted in a few days and I thought I'd let everyone know I am still alive.  Baby Jax is still doing good...loving the diet of jazz that is pumped through my womb ;)

Luke was Indiana Jones for Halloween last weekend and he pulled it off very well!  We had a hard time finding a costume so we just made it last minute, but it was better than the ones I had found on the internet anyway.  He had tons of fun trick or treating and we even ran into some friends while we were out.

I was able to find Vanessa a Christmas ornament.  I was really upset that she was not going to have one, and this was supposed to be her first Christmas.  We were at Menard's this past weekend and I went to the Christmas section while Landon was looking at insulation for the basement.  I love Christmas!  Babies make it just that more special.  I was so caught up in the fact that next year we would have baby Jax and he will be old enough to really enjoy it with!  I started thinking of all my friends who have had babies recently and how they will get to experience all that stuff this year, and my mind wandered to Vanessa.  I started to feel guilty, of course, for being so caught up in Baby Jax...I wandered over to the ornaments and remembered that I didnt have one for Nessa...I still have MY first ornament.  I was  looking at some when I seen a baby in a peanut shell like a bunting.  It said "peanut" across it.  We called Nessa our peanut while she was here...I lost it.  I took it down, sobbing, and found my husband.  He took one look at the look on my face when I showed him what I had found and said, "We are buying it. No questions."  I cupped that silly thing in my hand the rest of the time we were there.  I reluctantly laid it on the belt at the check out, feeling as though I was laying my daughter down, and Landon snatched it back up at the other end.  He said, " just give it back to her.  I know that look."  I felt so silly for being so protective over that dumb peanut, but it was Hers.  I now a partially finished blanket and a peanut christmas ornament.

Baby Jax update

The 30 things in 30 days was getting old.  Who really cares about my day or week in detail?  Seriously.  I clean, cook, scrapbook, watch Stargate SG-1, and shuttle Luke around.  In my purse there is junk, keys, lip gloss I never wear, a few bobby pins, a butterfly keychain, Tide to Go, and my phone.  Oh, and wallet. 
Since the loss of my child my bad habit I have developed...well, there are a few.  Butterflies make me cry, ANYTHING makes me cry really but that could be Jax too, I'm more doubtful of things that should make me happy, and I'm just not as trusting.

Ok, that's caught up ;)

I took a belly pic today and seriously couldnt believe it was MY belly in the picture!  LoL!  I'm officially bigger than I was with Luke.  It makes no sense to me as Landon was a tiny baby, and I was on the bigger side of average, but nothing spectacular...9 pounds I think.  Ok, I read that and then think, "Wow, that's a big baby."  Never mind.  Perhaps my kids just take after my chunky babiness.  That's ok, cause I LOVE a little chub on my baby thighs.  LoL!  Now I sound like a cannibal.  I'm just going to stop now.

We are at 18...ALMOST 19 weeks preggo...which is pretty much half way.

We have been listening to Jazz in the evening and the baby goes NUTS!  I cant feel him kick, but there is little ball of pressure that I feel move all over the place.  This one is less active than Luke was, but man does he like to jam out!  We are in the process of getting AC/DC and ZZ Top on my computer too....I tried some tunes from Wicked today, but Daddy got a little upset.  HaHa!


Here is that little survey thing.  I love reading these that other people do so I will probably do it every couple of weeks.

How far along? About 19 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Right around 20 pounds

Maternity clothes? Of course.

Stretch marks? Yeah, there are few from before getting worse again

Sleep:  Better.  Still having those weird pregnancy dreams that I SOOO will not miss, but sleeping for longer stretches.  Some nights I even get the whole thing.  Yeah, that wont last much longer.

Best moment this week: Getting to order our 2nd round of diapers. 9 fuzzi bunz for $80.  I was pretty excited.

Movement: I dont feel kicks, but I can feel it move around.  It's this little traveling pressure ball. LoL!

Food cravings: Onions.  And I dont normally care for them, but I almost ate one like an apple the other day.  I seriously had to restrain myself.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Bending over or trying to keep up with Landon in a store.  I really cant go that fast any more and it just doesnt agree with Jax to try.

Have you started to show yet: Oh, yes.

Leakage: I am officially uncomfortable wearing a bra without nursing pads.

Gender prediction: Boy.

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In, but that preggo line is creeping farther and farther up there!  It wont be long till I pop.

Wedding rings on or off? Swelling in my hands has not been as bad.  They are staying on now.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.  But not bad.  Just when I'm tired or hungry

Weekly Wisdom: Never leave the house without a bottle of water (or two), stay near the toilets, and find a place to sit in every store.

Day 25

Your day in great detail.

Oh, you poor things.  I ate, I cleaned, I ate, I clean:

Day 24

Where you live

I live across the street from my old high school, across the yard from my son's elementary school, and we are surrounded by either family or corn.  My aunt is one house north of us, the schools are to the east, grandma is two houses south, and this year we were blessed to have a corn a field to our west.  Next year it will be wheat and soybeans.  I've lived on this property since the day I was born.  My dad grew up next door, where his sister now lives.  I feel guilty most days for wanting to leave this place, but there just isnt much as far as jobs in the area.  In the fall we have the prettiest leaves, in the summer and spring all the storms pass us, and in the winter....well, that's an exception.  It's northern Ohio.
I live in a place where the graduating classes are HUGE if they top 70 and you know EVERYONE, their relatives, and ever scandal to the county line.  It's the type of place that everyone wants to live in, but all the kids move out before their graduation caps even hit the ground.  They come back when they want to have a family of their  own.  We have the type of school that everyone dreams of sending their kids too...the type of place where you know your neighbors.  Yes, we are all dirt poor, but we have each other.  I doubt anyone but the dr's make over $65,000 a year.
In the summer we get the rich aroma from the hog farm over on Lower Leesville Rd.  In the fall all the farmers spray the fields down with cow manure (including the one behind the house), in the winter you are lucky to get out of the drive....and it's not unheard of to not go back to school after Christmas until February.  In the spring everything is new and fresh, and the lilacs by the mail box smell up the whole street.  Summer brings with it heat and humidity, but we rarely complain because we know what lies just around the corner.

 Raking leaves last fall for Luke.

 Playing in the snow making Angels

 My grandparents this summer...we were camping out that night.


Luke and Landon with the campsite this year.  We try to camp out once a year at least.

 Luke and one of our old cats in the back yard a few years ago...it had been corn the previous year as well :)

Our campsite from two years ago.  Our garage and house in the back ground...my aunt's is the tan one on back with the green shutters.

Day 23

A You Tube video that makes you laugh.

I dont really watch youtube.  Seriously.  Man, am I a loser or what?!?!

On another note, TODAYS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!  Perhaps a birfday post is in order later to let you all know how the day goes :)

Day 22

A website that has been helpful since your loss.

I spent a lot of time on Carleigh's blog just to know that I wasnt alone.  Other than, I surprising found a lot of support on facebook of all places.  There were a few people who made my life hell for awhile, but over all everyone of my friends were so supportive.


Keep me in your prayers this weekend.  Tomorrow is my birthday and for some reason I'm really really struggling with Vanessa not being here.  I cant explain why.  I wish I knew.  All I know is that every time I open a card her name is the first one I look for....and it's never there because everyone else just wants to pretend that she never happened and go on with life.  It breaks my heart to not see that name on a card.  Last night my grandparents threw me a small birthday party at fish fry and spent a good half hour in the bathroom crying because I was missing a child.  My heart ached all evening last night as if I had lost her all over again.  I dont know why I feel like this all of a sudden, but there it is.  We have a lot planned for tomorrow so hopefully the boys can keep my mind occupied.  Too bad it's my heart I worry about.

Days 19-21

Getting a little behind on this.  SLACKER! 

Day 19-A talent of yours

Hmm.  The boys love my cooking and everyone always points to my music.  I play, well, a lot of instruments and sang in both the OSU chorus and women's ensemble with classical opera being my main love.  That's about the only thing I miss about college.  I've often thought of going back to the chorus (it's open to the public) but something always comes up in life that keeps me from committing from it.

Day 20-A hobby of yours and how it has changed since your loss

Oh, I have a ton.  Cooking and cleaning being the ones I do the most, obviously, but there are a ton others.  I love scrapbooking, but really dont have the time (or money) for it right now.  I just went through the pictures on my computer yesterday and seperated them all out to be printed as soon as someone has a sale.  I also really enjoy crocheting. I started a blanket as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  I worked on it every chance I got morning or night.  The day I lost her I finished the row I was on, tied it off and didnt touch a piece of yarn for MONTHS.  It wasnt until I was pregnant with Jax that I really started again.

Day 21-A recipe

Sorry.  you'd have to kill me first :)  Honestly I dont have many.  I just throw stuff together.  I have started trying to write stuff down the past few years, but it's hard to measure dashes and pinches.

Ah, that's better!

Boys, dont read any further.  This post deals with issues such as lactation and will only make you turn pink.


Any way.  I love how everything I have read says that you should expect your breasts to start leaking during the 3rd trimester....yet mine are...NOW...at 17 weeks.  I LOVE it.  LoL!  No seriously.  There is something about lactating that makes me feel like body is working properly.  At the same time, I wonder what engorgement is going to be like later on.  It's not bad, but enough now that I need to express a few drops at night or I'm so uncomfortable I cant sleep.  My breast pads are my new best friend all over again.

On the home front, the house is coming along nicely.  We have to move around a ton of stuff and send some furniture to the basement just to get the baby's dresser in, but I've almost got it done.  Just one more bookcase to empty then move and it's done.

I have my first order of dipes already here, and the second is on the way this weekend.  Once those get here we will have almost all of our newborn size dipes in.  After that we are using the one-size so that they will grow with Jax and we wont have to keep buying more as he grows.  You should see Luke with them.  He thinks cloth dipes are the coolest things ever!  That's my boy!  I love how they have such cute patterns and colors.  I think it will make it even more fun for Luke when Jax gets here...he can pick which cool dipe his bubby gets to wear :)

Day 17 and 18

Day 17 is a picture that moves you.  I dont have a copy of it, but for me it is the photo of the  doctor operating on the pregnant woman and the fetus sticks it little hand out and grabs his finger.  Wow.  How much more proof of life do you need?

Day 18~My wedding

We were planning on getting married before the end of this year any way when we were pleasantly surprised by baby Jax :)  We went up to the Crawford county courthouse on August 5, 2010 with our parents and grandparents and tied the knot!  I was 6 weeks pregnant with Jax at the time.  I already had a little bump going and had to get a new dress that would fit me.  I still have the $800 dress from David's Bridal hanging behind the closet door....and the $15 dress I wore is hanging on the front.  Lol!  Here are some pictures from our big day!

 Waiting in the Lobby to be called back...and for everyone to get there.

 My momma and daddy.  I was so excited cause I didnt know if my mom was going to be able to get off work that morning.

 My grandparents...and my Luka

 Landon and I with his mom and Grandma Jimmy (Traxler)

 With Landon's grandparents on his dad's side, Faye and Curt. 

 Saying our vows...I could NOT get his ring to go on to save my life.

 My most current family picture...we traded Nessa for Jax, but I have a very strong feeling she was there with us too.

Mr. and Mrs. Jackson!  It still hasnt quite sunk in that I'm a Mrs.  Wow.  LoL!

Cloth Diapers

After a long day snapping at customers I was sent home early today :)  I was pretty much falling asleep on the sales floor and we werent really THAT busy any way...we had the coverage. 
I got home and had Landon run and check the mail for me, just in case, and sure enough my dipes were here!  I was sooo excited!  It was just what I needed after that yucky day at work. 


After getting our dipes in I ran to the computer to read up some more on cloth diapering.  There is so much to know and keep straight!  How to wash, how many for each stage, what type of diapers.  I get overwhelmed so I try to just take in little bits at a time.  It helps to talk to current mom's who are doing it.  Whenever I try to talk to my grandma she just rolls her eyes, says I'm spending too much by using the "all in one" style, and that I wont last a week.  Thanks for the encouragement.

We have decided to use the All in Ones since they are the easiest, throw in a few of the pocket style too.  Once Baby Jax is out of the newborn size we will be switching into the One-size diapers so we can cut some cost there too.  Granted, this is all dependent on the fact that he does well with the One-size.  I know some babies still have trouble with leaks while they are smaller but too big for the Newborn.  This is the game plan though.

I'm so thankful Landon is on board with this.  He was the one that brought it up first...less cost over disposables, less mess to haul out when the garbage bag gets full, no diapers piling up in the landfill, and none of the chemicals that are in disposables.  I'm so excited for Baby Jax to get here so I can see his cute little tush in these things!

Day 16

A song that makes you cry....

There are so many.  However, Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" sends me into hysteric sobs every time I hear it..I dont mean I tear up, bawl, or even "cry"...I mean I loose it.  I feel like it is Vanessa singing the song to me.  When we went in for our US the first time (or second time I cant remember) that we thought she was gone this song was playing in the lobby of the dr's office.  I knew that moment that no matter what I did, how hard I begged, pleaded, or cried....I had to let her go.  Sometimes I think I should have fought harder and not given up, but then as a mother we just know sometimes.  She's better off where she is anyway...and I KNOW she is happy...so here it is, the song that breaks my heart.

Our Butterfly Babies

I felt like I really needed that hour...like it was my excuse to dwell and cry and miss her.  My excuse to do all the things everyone tells me not to do, but that I want to do so bad.  And then I had to work.  Someone called off and I had to go in.  I cried.

Landon, however, being the awesome daddy that he is lit the candles and took a few moments to remember our little ones.  I said a quick prayer at work for all of us and for our babies, but it was a 10 second head prayer cause we were really busy around that time....of course.  Any way, it's the thought that counts and I was right there lighting those candles with him.

Remembering our Lost Babies

 Luke loved the idea of putting butterflies on the candle holder, but he was concerned that Vanessa wasnt the only one with a butterfly.  He didnt quite get that they all have left us like butterflies flitting away.  He was going off of her name...Vanessa means "butterfly."  Silly boy.

Tonight from 7-8 we will be lighting candles for our Vanessa, and also for Carleigh and Jordan (Holly's babies), Emma (Anna's baby),  and my uncles-Patrick Lyle and Baby Young.

Please take a few minutes with us and remember those who have to say good bye too soon to their precious little ones.  There are so many others who we could have lit candles for, but please know that they will NOT be forgotten as we pray tonight.  It's just that I only had 6 candle holders :) 

Day 15

What you like about your house.

I have a very love/hate relationship with this house.  I HATE the layout of the living room in relationship to the kitchen/dining area.  It just really bugs me.  I think I would be ok if my dad would let me move furniture around from time to time, but he is adamantly against it.  We were finally able to sneak in a swap of end tables between the chairs so that has helped.  I think this year at Christmas I'm going to insist that the tree has no where to go with out some rearranging.  That should buy me a few months of change at least.

Right now I am really loving our bedroom.  We just moved stuff around and cleaned REALLY good with the kirby.  Landon even went outside and cleaned the windows really well.  We have the pak n play all set up and ready for baby Jax!  All I need is the dresser, but we dont have room for that.  It wont fit in our room so we are sending a bookcase in the hallway to the basement to make room for it.  I guess it's not a hall so much a little nook between our room and Luke's.  Any way, here are some pictures of our finished room I took for Jax's baby book.

 The pak n play actually really goes with everything else in there really well!  Even Vanessa's Blanket looks great!  LoL!

 Our room is sooo tiny.  I cant believe we got everything in here.

Looking out into the alcove/hall.  Directly through the door is Luke's room and the doors you are seeing there are a closet on the left and then JUST a sliver of the bathroom door.  The baby's dresser is going to go immediately to the right facing that closet.  This was so not the floor plan I had picked out, but whatever.  Ugh.  We will make it work and it will look awesome to boot!

Glucouse Screen

I swear I remember that orange stuff tasting nastier than it did today.  It really isn't bad if you drink it REALLY cold.  They took the blood they needed and the nurse said the results will be back tomorrow. 

Dr. KH came in and checked Jax's heart rate...MUCH slower, but she said is still sounds good.  All I could say was BOY.  LoL!  I was right as to it's location, he was lying right in the middle and very low.  She said it was no big deal.  I was a little concerned because he is RIGHT on my bladder and it HURTS, but she said if that is where he wants to be then that is where he is going to be.  HaHa! 

I got the results from the Pap they did at my previous appointment.  I assumed all was well as I hadn't hear back from them, but I was wrong.  My high risk HPV is back.  After my ultrasound in November I get to go over and have a biopsy done to find out just what we are dealing with this time.  They will not take it out of the center to keep from hurting Jax so we will not know if it is superficial or if it goes deeper.  They cannot do any type of  Cryo or LEEP until after the baby is born.  What worries me is that the high risk stuff changes and grows faster than the other stuff and there is no way he can stop it right now.  Oh, well.  Send some prayers our way please.  There isn't much else we can do.

On the bright side:  we are finding out whether baby Jax is actually Daniel or Emma on November 11th at 9:30am!  SO excited.  Obviously, I'm pretty sure it's Daniel floating around in there, but I'm not comfortable calling it one or the other until I'm sure.

Day 14

A non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

I never managed to get my hands on any of those books that were written by other mom's who had a loss, but it's ok.  I probably would have just sad around bawling longer.  I heal better if I just get up and do something.  Dont get me wrong, I definetly have my pity parties like everyone else, but I've learned that there are some things I'm better off just staying away from.

I would have to say that the Bible really helped me out a lot.  No, I dont read like I should, but it's always there when I need it, and I know that.  I have a KJV that is marked ALL up with notes I have made about verses that helped me through this time or that.....verses are underlined that are meaningful to me.  I love that Book. 

Days 7-13

Hopefully I can get caught up today.  I think these will mean more when you are reading them one at a time.  Please say a prayer for us today...6 months ago today we lost our little girl. 

Day 7~~A photo that makes you happy

There are sooo many, but I will choose one close to my heart for many reasons.  This trip we were able to be present at the wedding of our cousins and dear friends, I seen the ocean for the first time, ate all sorts of new food, had my first massage, went out of the country for the first time, and my husband proposed to me on this trip.  Last September (2009) we went to Beaches Resort on Turks and Caicos.

Day 8~~A photo that makes you angry or sad

This one is hard.  I tend to take photos of happy times so I suppose this one is more bittersweet.

This picture is from a few days before we lost Vanessa.  I was almost 7 weeks pregnant with her and we were out geocaching with Luke.  I was so excited because this was taken at our 50th cache we found and it was our first, and only, family picture with all of our children at the time.  I didnt realize it at the time, but this picture has come to mean so much to me...and it hurts at the same time to know that she will never be in another...physically.

Day 9~~A photo you took since your loss

Just after we lost our lil girl a co worker of mine gave me some zoo tickets she had won.  She was scheduled to work after requesting off and told me to take them instead....have some fun with my family.  It meant so much to me. We had been wanting to go, but it is so expensive.  We were able to have a great time and enjoy the child we still had.  Luke had a ball!  It rained the whole day, but we had sooo much fun together!

Day 10~~A photo taken over 10 years ago and how it makes you feel to see it now.
Sorry, I dont have pics that old on my PC.  I didnt even have a PC 10 years ago.  Seriously.

Day 11~~A recent picture of you and how it makes you feel
Ah, and easy one :)

 My wedding day :)  I was 6 weeks pregnant with Baby Jax.

I'm not to fond of this one, but Lando likes the random pictures of me so I thought I'd throw it in there.  I'm not a fan of side shots of me, and I always look mad unless I KNOW you are taking a picture.  Whats going on with my hair?  Ah, oh well.

Day 13~~A fictional book that is important to you since your loss
There isnt really ONE.  None of them are really "important" in any significant way, but I enjoy books like Harry Potter, Eregon, Percy Jackson....series about kids thrown into "grown up" situations with mythology and fantasy thrown in.

30 Posts in 30 Days

She is mentioned a few times...there are butterflies all over the back ground you are looking at...so why do I still feel as though there is an elephant in the room?  I actually feel convicted if someone asks me how many children I have and I tell them 2.  As soon as the words come out of my mouth I tear up.  I do not have 2 children, I have 3.  Yes, three.  Luke, Vanessa, and Baby Jax.  Yes, Vanessa. 

October is International Infant and Baby Loss month or something along the lines.  The 15th is the actual Pregnancy and Baby Loss day.  We will be joining in with other parents who have suffered a loss and lighting a candle for our little girl at 7pm local time.  The idea is that if everyone around world lights a candle and leaves it for an hour...there will be a continuous wave of life around the world for 24 hours.  Actually we are doing 6 in remembrance of a few very close friends and family members who have lost babies.  Sadly we could have lit more than 6, but the candle holder only holds 6.  

Along with the whole theme for October being "our" month for those who lost little ones too soon, a few women have put together a "30 posts in 30 days" sort of journal thing to do.  Just to collect thoughts.  You never know who might stumble across your blog and need a word of encouragement, or just to know that someone out there is struggling as well (as I did this morning).  Needless to say, I'm 12 days behind.  I just stumbled on it and thought I might as well jump on the band wagon.

Day One~~A song that reminds you of your child.

Wow, where to begin.  There are so many.  Obviously "Glory Child" and "Held".  "Held" is the second song on the playlist over in the margin.  As we were sitting in the doctor's office waiting to get called in for our first ultrasound with Vanessa they played Kelly Clarkson "Already Gone" which really just set the mood for the entire next week of my life.  Brad Paisley "Who You'd Be Today" sets me off everytime too.  Right after we lost her I couldnt listen to the radio at all, but I'm able to hold it together better now.

Day Two~~A movie that helped you get through the hard times

There isnt really one.  I did watch a lot of Harry Potter just for the escape I suppose.

Day Three~~A television show that either helped you get through your loss or really moves you

Yeah, no.  I dont really watch a lot of TV.  I spent of the months after loosing Vanessa just with Landon.

Day Four~~Your favorite book.  Has it changed?

I'm like Holly here.  I would love to tell you that I read my Bible more, but I dont.  I have never been very good at that which is really surprising considering how much I LOVE to read.  Landon reads to me at night to help my mind not wander before I go to sleep.  It really helps a ton.  We have been trying to get through Harry Potter for awhile now.  Just started the 6th book last week.

Day Five~~Your Favorite Quote

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
 ¹ O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.  ² You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 ³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.
 ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.
 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.
 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
 ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.
 ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.
 ¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,"
 ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother's womb.
 ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.
 ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 ¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.
 ¹⁷ How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!
 ¹⁸ Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.
 ¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
       Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
 ²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
       your adversaries misuse your name.
 ²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
       and abhor those who rise up against you?
 ²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
       I count them my enemies.
 ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.

Not a quote, but is always where I end up.

Day 6~~ Twenty things that calm you

I'm going to stop here cause this is getting long.  I'll do the rest tomorrow to catch up.
1.Taking a walk
2.Reading
3.Getting out of the house
4.Cleaning
5.Cooking
6.Gardening
7.Luke
8.Baby Jax
9.Landon
10.Mindlessly surfing the "web"
11.Back rubs :)
12.A good hot bath
13.Scrapbooking
14.Mowing

Sadly I cant get 20.  I'm seriously stuck at 14.  HaHa!  I think that goods though, we'll call it a day here.  Untill tomorrow.....

Kirby

I HATE door to door salesmen.  I dont trust them, the creep me out, they have an agenda.  I'm in sales.  I know.  Had Landon not been here I would have just shut the door in the mans face....especially after he came back from his car with a Kirby sweeper box.  I know they are awesome, but I love my Rainbow and I already have a Kirby as well.  It's a model from the 1970's, and although it is louder than all get out (Luke runs and hides), and is harder than crap to push (I cant use it while pregnant..seriously), the dumb thing sweeps just fine.  It just so happened that Landon has been wanting a new one, but I refuse to part with my Rainbow.  Still, if Hubs wants to humor the nice black man with the sweeper at my door...then humor him will shall.

He had these little filter things that showed how much crap he was sucking out of the carpet.  He did it at LEAST a dozen times in the SAME spot.  I JUST SWEPT last Thursday.  After the last sweep he took, the pad he pulled out STILL HAD FUR.  Each swipe he took got a new pad.  A dozen pads later it still had fur.  I was sold.  They took the Rainbow as a partial trade in and told them to take it out of my house before I took it in the yard and stoned it.

I just cant live with that much crap in my house and a baby on the way who is going to crawl around in all that.  Not to mention I havent blown my nose ONCE since the man left.  I ripped the furniture out of the living room (well, Landon did :)) and swept it all.  I then proceeded to dust, everything, got the baseboards, did the corners in the ceiling, you name it.  Plus, the guy who did the demo shampooed a portion of the living room floor (now the rest looks like crap so that's the next step).  Yeah, my vacuum shampoo's better than the expensive shampooer I borrowed off my grandma last year.

BEST birthday present EVER.  Thanks Hubby!  :)

It was a full circle kind of day

I keep saying that this pregnancy is emotionally hard and today was just another example.  I woke up feeling pretty great.  The boys were both on the ball,  my hubby was being his normal charming self.  It was another great to start to the week.  I went to the bathroom and, crap.  No I didnt crap.  I was spotting.  I called the doctor because I had to work today.  I felt that all would be ok, but I couldnt have lived with myself if I went on to work where I would be on my feet running around for 4 hours with no break, and then something happened to the baby.  I would spend the rest of my life feeling like I had lost my baby for the grand price of $40.  Not worth it.  Any way, the nurse I talked to, Amy-shes my favorite, agreed with me.  She said it wouldnt be a big deal, but I had to let them know in 20 min. and she wasnt comfortable with making a decision like that given all that happened last time.  She told me to lay with my feet propped up for a while, see how it went, and to call if it didnt work or got worse.  Of course, after about an hour all was fine.  Again, just us all being overly cautious.

I was doing pretty good through it all.  Of course after everything was ok I started freaking out. I'm a nut like that.  I havent been feeling the little peanut move as much, and not at all the last few days, so it had me worried more than anything.  Again, NOT a big deal at 16 weeks, but it is a little unnerving when you pretty much only breath when the baby moves and then it stops.  Landon called to see if I needed him to pick up anything when he came home.  I had FORCED him to go to school this morning.  He was about as much of a wreck as I was.  He must have picked up on my mood because about an hour and a half later he walked through the door, way early, with a few groceries and the most gorgeous flowers I had ever seen!

That pretty much made my day!  After that I was fine.  Landon made me a late lunch and we watched Harry Potter till Luke came home from school.  After his homework was done we carved our punkin.  Landon used a red LED instead of putting a candle in it.  It looks pretty spooky!

 Luke wasnt too keen on getting his hands dirty in the punkin, but I managed to get him to pull a few seeds out.

 My boys getting ready to cut the face out of the punkin...and baby Jax's bed in the back :)

 Landon and the punkin...it's lit, but you cant really tell in this picture.  We will have to take another when it's dark out.

After we carved the punkin I roasted the seeds and made a big pot of beef and noodles with a roast we had after Church yesterday.  Currently the boys are fighting over a game of Mancala (again) and we are all watching Cars on the Disney channel.  While typing this Baby Jax gave a few good kicks.  Pretty soon I'll go in and clean the kitchen up, the boys will grab another game or one will go for the wii while the other watches, someone will get a random idea to do something special like get ice cream, then Luke will take a bath, we will read some books, and then all go to bed.  I love our life.  The day is ending just the same way it started...amazing.

16 weeks

Today marks 16 weeks for us, or 4 months if you prefer to look at it that way.  Either way, we will be half way done in 4 weeks!  Yay!!!  I cant wait to meet this little one!  The entire pregnancy still doesnt quite seem real to me.  I'm having a hard time letting myself go emotionally and get attached.  Understandable I suppose.  I know I will feel much better about everything once it is born and in my arms.

Lately I have been experiencing some minor swelling in my hands and feet.  Normally it would be no big deal, just normal preggo stuff, but I have a nasty history.  I've still been really tired, not sleeping well, and dizzy from time to time too.  I suppose it's all normal.  I mean, I AM making a person here.  It's rather uncomfortable sleeping on my left side all the time.  My back hurts, my belly pulls on my hips when I'm on my side.  I had been sleeping sort of sitting up on the couch and that was helping, but last night I was able to spend the whole night with my hubby!  It was great!  I just rotated from side to side each time I got up to pee (like every hour or two) and tried to favor my left side unless it was really uncomfortable.

Luke seems to be getting more excited since we told him we are going to find out the sex of the baby.  He's really pushing for a boy, but we will see.  He knows he has no choice and says he just wants a sibling that is ok, but he would Prefer a brother.  Kids.

Ok, Here is the update:

How far along? 16 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Not sure.  I'll have to get back to you after my appointment this week.  I dont really worry about.  My body will do what it needs to.

Maternity clothes? Just went out and bought some winter clothes cause I've never been lucky enough to have a winter pregnancy before.

Stretch marks? Still not really seeing any.  I'm pretty good with the Palmer's though.

Sleep: Still not sleeping very well at night.  Just too uncomfortable.  I make sure I get enough though.

Best moment this week: The look on customers faces when I tell them I'm only 16 weeks along.  It's priceless.  I wish I had a dollar for every time I was told I was huge this weekend.

Movement: Not as much as before, but what I am feeling is getting stronger.

Food cravings: HA!  Everything.

Anything making you queasy or sick: It's getting better.  Now I just worry about setting off my preggo allergies.

Have you started to show yet: Oh, yes.

Leakage: Bladder of course.  Seriously, who doesnt after three pregnancies?

Gender prediction: Boy.

Labor Signs: No but I had some braxton hicks last week.

Belly Button in or out? Still in....for now.

Wedding rings on or off? They are coming and going now.  It depends.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.  Watch out!

Weekly Wisdom: If I'm cleaning...just get out of the way.

Finally!

THIS JUST IN!!!!!!!!!

LANDON JUST TOLD ME THAT WE ARE GOING TO FIND OUT THE SEX OF THE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So excited! Ending up it's for Luke's sake that we are doing it, but still! I'm so excited!

Cysts...gag.

Well, the last couple days have been nuts.  I was under the impression that I was having Braxton Hicks all day yesterday and the evening before.  Looking back I think it was just something else getting in the way and causing some trouble.

Cysts seem to run in the family (thanks Mom) and I am no exception.  None have been bad enough to send me to the hospital, although I suppose a few ruptured that were bad enough I SHOULD have went...me and hospitals just dont get along.  They have come and gone the last few years, hormonal little sacks of fluid joining be before Auntie Flo came.  One false move and the suckers would rupture, if not they simply went down until the next month, but there was always one hanging around.

I suspected one when I was pregnant with Vanessa, but there was so much other stuff going on there that I really didnt think about it too much.  This time around, however, I've had more time to notice things...more time for things to happen.  A turn to quickly or a funny bend, getting up to quickly, sitting up in bed or rolling over to quickly...all these things have left me with sharp stabbing pain in my lower right hip.  At first I assumed it was muscles stretching, but then I started researching it and seen other mom's who were experiencing similar pains.  Cysts.  Lovely.  Made sense once it was suggested to me.  The pains were coming at similar times, just easier to trigger than when I was not pregnant (which, again, made sense).  It would also explain why I got big so fast with both Vanessa and this baby.  I bloat something aweful with cysts when I'm not pregnant so why would this be different.  After thinking it over I'm always more bloated out after being on my feet or at the end of the day...just like my cysts pre pregnant.  Walking and movement irritates them.

So over all these little jewels are harmless.  Normally they want to do an Ultrasound and see where they are, how big, that sort of thing.  I was told to take Tylenol.  Yeah, no.  I was incorrectly diagnosed with Osteoarthritis at 20 and put on 1000-1500mg three times a day for MONTHS.  Needless to say, acetaminophen has no effect on me whatsoever.  Like it would help with this type of pain any way.  But, the doctor doesnt seem to be concerned and they seem to have gone down so I wont worry.  Today was much better.

On a positive note, I am seriously getting kicked now.  No more of this, "Wait I THINK that was one" stuff.  The little sucker is getting strong...it's such a great feeling and brings me so much peace of mind.  I hit 15 weeks on Sunday so our next ultrasound (and last if all is well) will be around the first of November.

Victoria's Secret Nursing Bras

Ok, finally I get around to this.

Vicky's had two options for nursing bras.  One was unlined and had an under wire.  The other was lightly lined with NO under wire.  I chose the latter.  Under wires always cause me grieve when I'm lactating so I steer clear.  They didnt come in very many colors and were $44.50, but it was a nursing bra....from Vicky's.  I dont care if they only had ONE color.

The email confirmation said my bra would be arriving around October 7th, but it was here just 2 days after I placed the order.  Of course, I ran in right away and put it on!  Now, normally I HATE bras with no under wire.  They ride up.  This one is not so bad.  There is still some tugging, but nothing like with my "normal" bras.  I love that this one is lined a little.  If you are like me you need that extra layer while pregnant or nursing just to keep things...well...lets just say it keeps your t-shirts smooth and "bump" free.  The clasps for "easy access" as my husband calls it are traditionally at the top of the cups and are super easy to work one handed.  The straps are thicker than a normal Vicky's bra, but not as wide as others I have.  Still, the comfort is pretty good...granted my milk isnt in, but it feels better to me.

Over all, I really like this bra.  It's nothing too special, but it's super hard to find good nursing bras around here so it was worth the money to me...I had a $10 off coupon too.  I have never seen one around here that was lined and under wire free...that was my biggest thing about it.  Since purchasing it I have found others similar for about half the price.  I guess what I'm saying is that it's a typical great Victoria's Secret bra, but for no longer than you are going to wear it.....well, it's a little pricey. 

Flutterby Kicks

Not much has been going on the last few days.  Ive been busy working around the house and just keeping it in running order.  Grandma and grandpa are having a garage sale this week and I've been helping them out so things around home haven't really been getting done.  Landon helped me out the dishes the other day and I took the afternoon "off" to come home and do laundry, but I have to actually work tomorrow...which means nothing will get done then.  I'm really over retail.  LoL!

I think we must be going through another growth spurt because I have been sooo tired these last two days.  Yesterday was REALLY bad.  Grandma says I look bigger too.  I'm starting to look forward to my doctor's appointment this month for the simple fact that it will mean hearing the little one's heart beat again.  It brings so much peace of mind to hear that sound.  I really dont think I am going to be able to really relax until the little peanut is born, but it is very reassuring to hear that little heart chugging along!


Daddy and I took a ride in the Corvette the other day.  Probably will be my last ride till next year seeing as how I can BARELY get out of the dumb thing.  I dont feel the baby kick much, mostly I can just feel pressure in the area where it is.  While we were out riding around it kept moving all over the place.  It was everywhere!  We got out in Galion to stop at a store and I was treated to about 6 HARD kicks in the side!  All I can figure is that the little one was NOT ready to stop the ride yet.  It  must have liked the vibrations of the car.  Once we got on the road again it was moving all over the place.  We made a deal on the way home.  I ate a hot fudge sundae and it would NOT beat me when I got out of the car at home.  It worked. :)  Mainly it's active times are around 1 or 2pm and then from 6pm to about 8 or 9pm.  Sometimes in the mornings, but as the ultrasound tech told us, our baby likes to sleep in the mornings.  LoL!  Definitely Landon's kid.

HoRmOnEs

Wow, what a weekend.

Hormones are kicking in and I really feel sorry for the boys.  I'm so weepy and randomly have these outbursts.  Wow.  It's like PMDD to the millionth degree.  I have cried more in the last two days then the last two months all combined. 

On the plus side, nesting seems to be starting to kick in a tad.  Not too much cause we are still early for that, but it's definitely there.  I felt it coming the beginning of last week and warned Landon that if I ever entered the kitchen with a crazy look in my eyes and started cleaning out cabinets he was just to stay out of my way.  I was putting away the dishes last night when it hit.  We have this one cupboard where we keep all the storage containers...old butter containers, Glad Ware, Tupperware....the norm.  I went BALLISTIC on that cupboard.  I literally sat down on the floor, demanded a garbage bag, and threw the ENTIRE contents on the floor.  I got up this morning and didnt remember a thing.  I went to pack the boys lunches and it was like the organization fairy had visited.  Everything was stacked and neat, organized...perfect.  I almost cried it was so beautiful.  LoL!

Another way I can tell that it is coming is that there is a Pack 'N' Play/bassinet/changing table completely set up and ready to go in my kitchen.  Yes.  At 14 weeks pregnant I have the dumb thing set up.  Here's the story though:  We have 3 bedrooms and there are about to be 5 people living in our house.  Yeah.  So where to put baby?  Dad offered to put a bedroom in the basement and he would move down there.....we would take his room and that way we could be upstairs with the kids.  I really cant do that.  His back is so bad he cant walk across the floor let alone up and down stairs.  We took measurements of our bedroom, all the stuff in it, and we came up with a way that it will work to put the baby in our room...thus the need for the assembled pack n play.  However, it took me so long to put the dumb thing together that there is no way I'm taking it apart.  It can sit in the kitchen until the bedroom is cleared out.  Don't argue with me.  I already warned you about the hormones.  

I really do feel like my head is going to explode from all these hormones, but they have an upside too.  The house is clean, things are getting organized, oh, and we have a baby on the way.  HaHa!  Next doctor's appointment is on October 14th for the first glucose test.  We have to do two since there is a history of diabetes in my family.  Yay, two times of drinking that nasty orange stuff and having blood drawn.  Lovely.