Torn

I've spent the last few days rather torn.  My hormones are all over the place for some reason and it's just making a hard situation even harder to deal with.  With the due date of Vanessa lingering so very close everything is setting me off.  I'm a basket case.  I cry at every thing and get upset over the littlest of things.  It would be different if there were someone I could talk to, but everyone seems to have forgotten her.  When I bring her up I either get silent sympathetic looks, or the same old speeches about things "being for the best."  I quit talking to anyone other than Landon about her.  Well, he went to school today so that just left me and poor Daniel.  I say poor Daniel because I assume he is feeling my emotions along with me...and even I dont know what to do with them.

I feel guilty for being excited about him.  It's the only thing that takes the weight off my chest and shoulders, but I feel guilty about it.  I know, I know. She wants me to be happy and is happy too...I know.  I had a dream about it MONTHS ago, but still.  At the same time I feel guilty for grieving her and not being happy with the little one inside me.  *sigh*  No wonder it's hard to breathe.  Dont get me wrong, I love my Daniel.  He's the best thing to happen  to me since Landon, but I will forever miss, and long for, the little darling I never really knew.  It wasnt a "pregnancy" I lost.  It was a life time of dreams.  It was helping her for prom..her wedding...her babies....her life.  It was brown curls and big green eyes...a mischievous grin...a ton of pictures I never took, memories I never made.

Hopefully someone out there gets this and doesnt take it the wrong way.  Like I said, I love my Daniel.  He has really helped me heal a lot...but it's still a loss...and I'm still processing it.