The Dreaded Three Days

This weekend has been so hard.  I've tried, really I have, to not dwell on things, but it seems to be sneaking up on me like never before.  I will be up doing dishes and the next thing I realize is that I'm staring out the window with tears in my eyes.  Normally it's just a sadness that washes over me, but this year I'm angry.  I'm angry at the world, every baby girl I see, even God to a degree.  How can these people with precious girls complain about them?  How can they wish them away, even in a fit of exasperation?  How could God, with His ability to know all, take away something that my heart so longed for?

 I keep thinking of all the things I will never get to do...not just because she is gone, but because we are done having children and she was my only chance...I will never watch my daughter learn to walk, I will never dress her in frilly clothes, I will never make her booties with bows, I will never talk about boys with her, never watch as she falls in love, and I will never be able to console her when her heart is broken.  There is no one for me to pass down MY legacy to.  Boys only carry a mother so far.  It's the things they learn from their father that they live with...how to change a tire, how to fix things, how to drive, how to shoot.  No one cares about family recipes.  No one cares about the best way to get soap scum off the shower.  I will never help my daughter get ready for her first day of school, homecoming, the prom, dates, her wedding...I will never see her swell as she carries a sweet child with in her.  I will never be able to pass down all I know and all I have learned about being a mother.  I feel like a dead end road.

We are taking Daniel to a local nature building today where they are bringing out animals and letting the kids touch them...he should really enjoy that.  Just something special to get out of the house.  I hope it works.

Dreaming of Her

Isnt it amazing how things can mean one thing to you one day and something completely different the next?  As your life changes, as YOU change, things like song lyrics, poems, quotes, and even dreams, can take on whole new meanings.

After the birth of my first son I started dreaming of another baby.  These were extremely vivid "feel like I'm really there" type dreams.  It was always the same baby...Always.  It was a little girl, a sweet precious little girl.  In my dreams I was pregnant with her, I labored with her...I never saw the delivery, but I nursed her.  I remember sitting in a rocking chair late at night with her wrapped in my arms, singing her the songs that my grandma sang to me when I was just a baby.  I watched her grow into toddler hood, but mostly my dreams centered around her as a baby.  Her coos, her cries, her smiles, her needs, her fears....HER.

I was convinced this was God's way of telling me that my next baby would be a girl.  I had always wanted a little girl....always.  I wanted someone to carry MY legacy, some one to teach MY things to, some one with whom I could break a cycle that has been in family for generations.  Her name was to be Emma Lou after both of my grandma's.  I knew we would have our issues as time moved on, as all mothers and daughters do, but she was to ultimately be my best friend.

When we became pregnant with Vanessa there was no doubt in my mind she was a girl.  I had been dreaming of her for years!  I instantly started calling her Emma as a step of faith.  I talked to her about every last little detail of every day.  Folding clothes, doing dishes, her daddy's touch, my love, the color of the sky, the songs of the birds....everything.  When she left me...oh, the pain.  It was like having all those hopes and dreams ripped out of my heart, my mind...my very existence was torn.  I felt her death all the way to my core.  She was NOT my Emma.  She couldnt have been.  I was to watch that little girl grow up, hold her in my arms, nurse her, cuddle her....and so we named her Vanessa.  My Emma would not have left me.

The more I think about it, though, I have to wonder, was that really her in those dreams?  So many times God has allowed me glimpses of her to calm my heart and mind.  Could that have been His way of knowing the pain to come and allowing me to have some time with her.  I cherished those dreams then just as I cherish the ones I have now.  Now that I am on THIS side of my baby days...and it has become obvious I will never have the daughter my heart so longed for...I have to wonder if that was who that was all along.  I saved the name Emma for a living daughter I thought I would some day have, but what if Vanessa had been the Emma from my dreams and Emma in my dreams was really Vanessa?  Does that even make sense to anyone but me?  I thought they were two different little girls, but they could have been the same.  God gave me so much time with her...years...and I didnt even know it.

Breathing

This week is about breathing.  Just breathing.  The housework doesnt matter.  The family will be fed.  The day will keep moving on.  I just have to breath.  One foot in front of the other.

This weekend marks my little girl's third angelversary.  I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt.  It's not that all consuming grief, and Im sure it's being exacerbated by pregnancy hormones, but it still stings.  I try to not dwell on it, but this week is especially tough.  I'm so thankful for the sweet little boys God has sent me to ease my pain.  I have been pouring my time into crocheting things for them.  DH is helping me find something fun to do this week with Daniel to celebrate Vanessa's short, sweet life.  Luke will be with his dad.  Right now we are thinking about just cooking out and maybe going to some events at a local nature park.  I'm sure, Lord willing and weather permitting, there will be geocaching involved.  None of us can cache anymore without thinking of her.  It was so helpful to me to get out of the house and pour my attention into SOMETHING those early months...even if it was something as silly as finding tupperware in the woods.  LoL!  Hey, whatever helps!

Please, keep us in your prayers.  Like I said, the pregnancy hormones arent helping me one bit.

Easter shopping

I posted a slight rant on facebook today and I got this...

Sorry Betty but u have 3 handsome boys 

Really?
Those boys are just that...boys.  They are not my daughter.  Even if they were girls, they are not Vanessa.  More children do not replace the one that is lost.  A mother's hurting heart is not one that is unthankful for what she has...she just hurts for what was taken.  Needless to say that person is no longer on my friends list.

On another note...we are going tonight to finish Easter shopping and get Luke's Easter outfit.  He loves to match Daniel.  Crazy for an older one his age, but I think it's cute!  I spent half the day configuring a way around the store and to the boys dept without going past the Easter dresses.  Hopefully they stay tucked away this year.  I AM, however, super excited about shopping for the Easter baskets!  I love that little dollar nook at the front of the Target stores...and Dollar Tree!  Oh, I cant wait!  Luke has the rest of the week off school and we coloring eggs tomorrow.  We are trying the Kool-Aid method this year.  We will see how it goes!

If someone you know has lost a child...please, dont shove them away or be negative.  Let them grieve.  Take a moment to think about how YOU would feel if you YOUR child had died.  No matter the age that child was it HURTS.  No matter how much time has passed since that child's death it HURTS.  Have a little compassion.

Mistakes

Have you ever hit bottom and then looked behind you, seeing a whole slew of mistakes that led you to the exact moment you are standing in?  In the individual moments you had no idea, but looking back you can see how you set yourself up.  That has been this weekend for me.

This weekend was planned with literal back to back activities.  I told myself it was "family weekend" and we were having fun with my oldest.  And then today happened.  More on today later.

Last night I was achy...pregnancy hurts, what can I say?   My back goes out, my hips follow.  The pain triggers my ankles to hurt, and eventually it finds it's way into my neck and shoulders.  Thinking perhaps my blood pressure was high, and it was a little elevated for me, I hopped in an oatmeal bath.  It was glorious.  To help with the insomnia I've been having I sprinkled in a few drops of Lavender oil.  Mistake One.  Lavender makes  me think purple, purple makes me think Vanessa.  I basked in it, though.  I thought back on my time with her and rinsed my swollen belly with oatmeal water.  I went to bed with Daniel and slept like a husband.  Lol!

This morning I had every intention of staying home with Daniel while Landon and my oldest, Luke, went to a pancake breakfast for the Masons in Upper.  I didnt want to take little man since he and I are dairy free due to allergies...and he so loves his pancakes.  I felt bad, though, because my MIL volunteers (she's in Easter Star) and she loves showing off her grand babies.  What grandma doesnt?  So, Landon suggested I take some of my own pancakes I had made a froze.  Off we went to Upper.  Mistake two.  On the way there I was thinking about all the times we had went before.  My dad and grandpa are awesome at remembering dates and like to play, "Guess what happened 5 years ago today."  Drives me nuts, but then I catch myself doing it too.  Going back year by year I remembered that it was at this exact pancake breakfast in 2010 that we handed Landon's mom and grandma little poems that were written by, and signed by, baby Jackson...who was none other than Vanessa.  This was the event where we announced to them that we were expecting.  My heart caught for a moment and then I looked out the car window at the beautiful day we had been blessed with and I mentally moved on.

Here is the problem I have with mentally moving on...I don't always.  My proverbial stove top has a HUGE amount of back burners, and that is where most things get put.  I think I've let something go and some to find out it was just simmering in the back somewhere.  I started feeling withdrawn at the breakfast...nothing new. I figured it was just due to the crowd.  On the way home I started getting tense and my head ache came back.  I pretty much became a bag of raging hormones when my husband decided he didnt want to go shopping for the kids' Easter baskets today...He's tired of going and we still have Fun Night at the school tonight.  I got irritable, felt sick, moody, sore all over....hormones I decided.  I sat in this state stewing over my cancelled plans.  I told myself it was for the best since I was so sore and I have two events, one tonight and one tomorrow, that I had volunteered for that would require lots of walking.  I decided that I was just so upset because I spend all week cooped up in the house with no car...it's a weekend and dang it I want to go somewhere.  It wasn't until I was making lunch and found myself sobbing while stirring some chicken noodle soup that realized what was wrong with me.  It was HER.  My heart ached for HER.  I sobbed...I cried...I scared the pants off my husband.  I couldn't tell him what was wrong.  It's been three years.  I don't even know if he gives her much of a thought anymore.  When I was done, I felt better.  Fewer aches, less of that caged animal feeling for not being let out of my house...I looked back and seen how I had been subconsciously trying to avoid this weekend for weeks.  I panicked because my crazy husband made me stay home and face it.

For those finding this who are fresh in their grief, yes, it gets better, and yes, it will still hurt.  There will be days YEARS down the road when you get knocked off your feet...but standing up gets easier.

WWY~Mirror, Mirror-The Comparison Trap

Mothers often fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to one another. This is a trap many women fall into. We compare our families, mothering styles, fashion sense, careers or lack thereof, bodies, etc. Even mothers with babies in heaven compare the way we grieve our children. I know…sad…but we do it, if we’re honest enough to admit it. So, how can we find freedom from this? Sharing is a start…telling the truth…admitting the struggle. I think, then, we will see that we all love our children, regardless of how we choose to remember and honor their lives…whether publicly or quietly…with big parties or simple moments of remembrance. Be real on this week’s post, and let’s free ourselves from the trap of comparing!

Comparison has never really been a problem with me as far as my grief.  I accepted early on that we are all different and it all comes at different times.  Where I struggle with comparison in my grief walk is seeing the support that other people get from friends and family.  I have wrote about it before so I wont really say much about it now...but it something that I really struggle with.  It's hard to see life long friends slip away when you need them most...and the words that come from family members sting like no other.

One thing I really struggled with in the "early" days was seeing pregnant women.  It was worse when they were really young mothers, were in really poor financial situations, already had a bunch of children, or were known to be poor mothers.  "Why is she being blessed with this gift and mine, who I prayed for for years, wanted so badly, and had loved so fiercely, was tore from within me?"  Some days I struggle with this...when I see a mother and daughter, when I go to a wedding, when I see little three year old girls.  I remind myself that if she were still here I wouldnt be who I am today.  It was a hard road, but I made some rather necessary changes to myself after loosing Vanessa.  Still.  It's just plain hard.

In the general sense...we are all guilty of comparing ourselves to other women.  Between sites like Pinterest and Facebook it's hard not too.  "So and So pinned this so they must be doing all these things."  Honestly, I dont do half the stuff I pin.  They are just ideas for the future in case I get bored and need something to do.  Women post on facebook about their child meeting this milestone or that, loosing weight, being pregnant, getting a promotion, taking a trip...it's easy to want what they have, compare ourselves to them or our children to theirs.  It's hard to remind ourselves that we are all different and kiddos develop at different rates.  God has blessed us each in different ways according to our needs and talents.  The lady getting the trip could probably really use the vacation...perhaps she's having trouble at work or the kids are stressing her out, and she just plain needs a break.  The family getting a promotion may need a new car, or have trouble paying their bills.  WHO KNOWS!  It's God's job to worry about WHY they are being blessed, and it is our job to be happy about for them...kick Satan and his harmful thoughts to the curb!  That can be easier said than done sometimes.

I got pregnant with my first son while still in high school.  I never finished my college degree.  I didnt even go to school for what I dreamed of doing.  I dont have a job. My husband is 30 and still in school with no job.  I am married with 2 (living) children and one on the way, and my family lives with my dad.  My husband struggles daily with narcolepsy and it can make him cranky and makes daily tasks hard for him sometimes.  Yeah, I compare my life to other's a lot.  But here is what I try to tell myself:

My oldest son gave me the strength and courage to leave a relationship that was not healthy.  I didnt go for school for what I always thought I would, and I did not finish, but I learned that my heart was at home with my children before wasting even more money on a degree I would likely never use.  I dont have a job because it would be pointless...all I made would go to childcare, taxes, and insurance...and I just plain function better when I'm home with my babies.  My husband loves me above anything else and he tries his hardest to help me out...he has amazing people skills and his professors are all so understanding and helpful with his disorder. He is an amazing man of God who loves his family and does all he can to care for us.  He has taught me more about my self and life in the past 8 years...Yes, I live with my dad.  If I moved out he would be the most lonely and miserable person on the planet.  We have a rather special relationship and we need each other.  At some point, hopefully in the distant future, I wont hear him come home from work  or get up in the morning to talk with him before he goes off to work.  Like my children, I will enjoy him while I have him.

It is so so hard to do, but we must remember WHY our lives are the way they are.  WHY did God give us THIS life and not another?  Because HE knows what we need and what we can handle.  It is up to us to trust Him and go with it.  We need to remind ourselves that all that comparison does is breed negativity and make us feel bad about ourselves.  Dont let the devil get a hand hold on your heart!  Kick that liar to the curb!

"Life's Trials Explained"

I was most excited to do the Walking With You series not only because it encourages myself and other momma's who come here to read, but also because it helps me feel closer to my little girl.  When that band aid gets ripped off, and the pain returns a bit, I find myself turning to God and drawing closer to Him again.  One thing that I have found that calms me and makes me feel better is listening to Charles Stanley.  He has a soothing southern voice, but not a drawl per say.  He explains things in such a simple easy to understand way.  I found a few current broadcasts of his that REALLY hit home with me.  He makes many good points about WHY we go through our struggles, how it's not always from God, how OUR reaction reflects on God....How we can take our struggles and  make something beautiful of it.  I dont want to say much about it, I want you to hear it from Pastor Stanley himself.  I dont know how to get the broadcasts on my blog, but here is the link to his broadcast page.  You want the ones from January 24th and 25th...Life's Trials Explained.  Each one is about 24 minutes long.  Hop back over here and tell me what you think!  His words rung so true, he had me in tears on more than one occasion.

Please keep me in your prayers this weekend.  I will be hosting a Thirty-One party on saturday to help raise money for Missing GRACE.  I would love to see a good turn out, but it doesnt look too good.  Please pray that I am pleasantly surprised, and that if not that God would grant me peace and I would not be too disappointed.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart!