Walking With You Week 2~Clinging In The Pit

I'm so thankful to be able to join in for week 2 of the WWY series.  This weeks topic is one that is so hard to write about.  To go back to that place and remember what it was like.  The feelings and emotions were so raw.  It's interesting to go back, though, and see where God has pulled me from.  Dont lose hope.  "This too shall pass."

This week’s WWY topic ~ Clinging in the Pit

Whether or not you are new to loss, talk a bit about early grief. What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit? If you’re in the pit, currently, share your struggles. What can others do to encourage you?

Ah, the pit.

I'm afraid there are STILL moments, almost 3 years later, that I feel like I am there.  It's not as all consuming...not as fresh...but it stings and burns.  It hurts.  But, these are fleeting moments and the time does not last days, weeks, months, as it first did.   I have a good cry, scare the pants off my husband, and then get on with things.  It's humbling to be forced to visit that place.

The first few days after we lost Vanessa are a blur.  I stayed as hopped up on Xanax as I could, but the doctor had only, wisely, prescribed me 4 pills.  Working in retail at the time I had to go back to work fairly soon.  Just a week or two was all I was allowed to take.  I worked both at Bath and Body Works and Aeropostale.  Bath and Body was just a pain because no one would look at me.  I walked in like a zombie, did my job, tried to be jolly with the customers (thankfully I was mostly doing stock or closing at this time) and I left.  I rarely spoke to co-workers.  Aero was another story.  The manager was a mother who, though she never spoke about it, I believe suffered a loss.  She was too kind toward me to not have.  You just get a vibe once you've lost about other moms.  The way they speak to you, look at you.  You know when they have been there.  There is a look of familiarity in their eyes when they see you on the brink of a break down.  I can remember making my rounds on the sales floor and a YOUNG mother would walk in.  I was so drawn to these babies.  All of them.  It was torture.  Here is a 16 year old girl with HER baby...and mine is gone.  I can remember a women walking in with a baby EXACTLY the age Vanessa would have been.  I asked her when her daughter was born...same day I lost mine.  With tears in my eyes I congratulated her and turned away.  The manager saw me, hugged me, and told me to take 5 in the back.  She must have said something to the other employee's because they cleared out when they saw me coming.

I started making Vanessa a blanket as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  When I started bleeding I began crocheting like mad.  The blanket is folded in half length wise, but this picture is as far as I got.  After I got home from the doctor that awful day I picked it up, finished the row I was on, and tied it off.  She would never get any bigger and neither would her blanket.  To this day, if you see me with this draped across my shoulders or wadded in my lap...it's not a good day.  Be gentle with me.  I have cried more tears into this blanket than anything else.  It was my comfort in those early days, and still is.  I dont feel so alone and empty with it.  With this blanket draped around my shoulders I feel as though God himself is holding me.  Of course, I know He really is, but I can physically feel his arms around me in a way.

Speaking of God, you are surely wondering where he plays a part in all this.  His is the biggest role in the story of my healing.  I wish I can say, like Kelly, that I read my Bible and clung to Him in that way, but I couldnt even look at my Bible.  The grief and all those unanswered questions were too strong.  Instead, I clung to the promises I already knew.

  God is always there. 

 God always in control of a situation.

  God is working EVERYTHING out for HIS good.

  God will always protect you.

  God will never lead you into something He wont carry you through.

There is a reason for everything God does.

I was mad at God.  I yelled at him, ranted, screamed, cried, and threw a fit like my 2 year old does.  My father took my most prized possession and he was going to hear about it.  Still, deep down, I knew He had a reason.  Just as I have a reason when I get onto my kids or make a rule, He has His reasons too.  I cried.  Hard.  On more than one occasion I know I scared my husband, but I couldnt help it.  It was like being in a really small row boat on the middle of Lake Erie in 8 foot waves.  The anxiety was overpowering.  Wave after wave would just crash on me.  About the time I thought I would be ok something would trigger it all again.  Last week I told you about the butterflies over the corn field.  I seen more butterflies that summer.  I thought at first it was because I was looking for them more, but I kept hearing the same thing over and over again from family and friends.  Many of them did not know how special butterflies were to me but I kept hearing from others about how they couldnt believe all the butterflies that spring and summer.

Slowly, I emerged...like a butterfly myself.  Just three months after we said to goodbye  to Vanessa we said hello to a new little one taking up residency in my womb.  I often wondered if it was all too soon, but she quieted those fears as well.  I very often thank God for allowing me those glimpses of her.  I NEEDED them.  Some friends were gone, those who either didnt understand, didnt want to understand, or who just couldnt deal with it all.  New ones took their place.  I joined many online communities and forged deep bonds with mothers who had been there.  I found a dear friend in a woman who said good bye to her son the same day I said good bye to Vanessa.  It has been wonderful to have someone going through the same steps at the same time.  Those who's walk was farther ahead than my own gave me hope that I would be ok.  There was light at the end of this...and my feelings and thoughts were normal.  Its so unfortunate that a lot of my closest friends are hundreds of miles away...but we make do with what we have.  

I remember after Daniel's birth I had a VERY hard time letting other people hold him or putting him down.  I would almost have a panic attack if someone held him longer than I was comfortable with.  He still naps in my arms and sleeps in my bed.  All I can think about is all those times I never got to hold Vanessa...or what if something happens to him...I'd never get those moments back.  Some would say he is spoiled.  I say he is well loved.

I have come to realize that my daughter's death had a purpose, and that has helped me heal.  In the pain of losing her I drew so much closer to God.  I let go of religion and learned who He truly was.  I have helped others fresh on this road.  I have cherished my children more.  I learned that IT can happen to you...and life really and truly is too short.  There are more important things than money and materialistic gain.  I quit my jobs.  All of them.  I became a stay at home mom and refuse to turn back.  My children wont always be in my arms and I intend to hold them each chance I get.  The thought of another getting those hugs is unbearable.  Thankfully the Lord has blessed us and we are able to make it work.  No we dont have much.  We often struggle to pay the few bills we have.  Yes, we live with my father. Yes, I have often doubted my choice....but at the end of the day we always make it.  God always makes sure we have enough.  I have faith for the future.  It is that faith in the future that has brought me out of my past...my deep, dark, past.  If God can reach down into that deep chasm and pull me up then there is NO WHERE he can't reach me.