Walking With You~Steps Back Into Life

Share about your first steps back into life. What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps? Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn’t embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child? How do you cope with those struggles? What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope? How has this changed for you from the beginning? If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal….life without your baby?

I have to say, this one is sort of hard.  I cant really remember taking steps back in...I was sort of thrown in very early.  However, there are very tender areas and I struggle daily with this world that doesnt seem to want to acknowledge that babies can die.  

We have recently gotten very involved in a local group called Hope and Hearts.  They work to raise money for the Missing GRACE Foundation. Each year we form a team and walk in our daughter's memory.  We do fundraising also.  Last year was our first time doing ANYTHING for our daughter and we got very little support.  We had a few people who joined the team, but none of them ended up showing.  We had a few family members donate, but not a whole lot.  It broke my heart.  I was expecting more family and a few of our close friends to support us, but no.  I just recently started fundraising for next year's event and so far, well, it's the same.  It really bothers me that people will ask me about my boys, come to their birthday parties with presents, but these same people are not there when I need to talk about my daughter...they cant spare $10 in her memory to help another family.  I want to scream, rant, cry....but it would not do any good.  I vent about it here.  I wont hurt their feelings here.  Yes, even with the pain they cause me I still try to spare their feelings.

I suppose one of the reasons why people are this way is that they dont know WHAT to do.  Maybe they themselves dont know how to handle it...still, it would be nice to at least be able to talk.  Let them know how I REALLY am.

Something I noticed immediately after we lost our daughter was that the more out spoken I was then the more that people opened up to me about their own losses   Yes, there were those who pushed me away, but there were also those who suddenly found the strength to process their own grief.  I found this to especially true in older generations.  Theirs was a time when such things were even more taboo than now...and were also more common.  I watched my grandma actually morn the children she had lost.  Yes, she had always talked about them, but I remember watching butterflies with her outside that summer and talking about our babies, heaven, and the wonder of God.  When our rainbow was born I named him after her son that was far enough along to find out the gender.  She cried.  I knew how much it would have meant to me to have a child in this world named in memory of my daughter and I was ecstatic to give her that gift.  She was my biggest critic and said some of the most hurtful things (different time and all) but I healed more with her than any other woman I know in real life.

One thing that I have learned over the past 3 years is that talking about my daughter makes me feel better.  It keeps her memory strong.  I dont want her to just be remembered in our little house.  I want everyone to acknowledge that she was here, whether they talk about her or not, I want them to know who she was and what she has done for me.  I want her to have a voice.  I want her to have her own sort of legacy.  I always include her when people ask about my children...I didnt always, but I learned that it just made me feel worse to NOT include her.  We do the memorial walk, raise money in her memory to help other families, and each summer when I plant my garden I think of her as I take care of it.    I plant flowers known to attract butterflies, and we light candles on her special days to remember her.  I am no longer silent, and, in turn, Vanessa is not silent.  Each time I speak her name I give her life.  

My advice to those new in the walk is to HOLD ON.  People will say hurtful things.  They will tell you to "get over it", "move on," and just plain ignore you.  Stand tall.  Dont be ashamed of your little one.  They are just as much a part of you as any living child that you do, or could, have.  Yes, it will be hard at times...but nothing in life that is worth doing is easy.  There is always a fight.  Fight for the memory of your child that they may have life.