WWY: Week 4~Overcoming Guilt and Embracing Joy

One area so many mothers struggle with is guilt, especially those who experience the loss of a baby/child. We want to address this struggle in this post. It will help mothers quietly battling guilt for living life and experiencing joy to know they are not alone. Other moms silently battle this as well. Whether it is the startling first time you really laugh after losing your child, or whether you have experienced the healing balm of joy for years, share your thoughts on this week’s post.

Oh, yes.  

Guilt.

Guilt, Anxiety, Sadness....all that accompanies it.  Been there...done that.  A million times.

I have always been an anxious person.  I worry way too much about things, people, situations.  I read somewhere that 90 something percent of the things you worry about never come to pass, and I know this is true.  However, when I am RIGHT in the middle of what ever is going on that is causing my anxiety it doesnt matter.  That knowledge helps me get through, but it doesnt completely take away my fears.

Guilt.

When it comes to our loss I have a couple areas where I really struggle with guilt.  I think that most of you can relate...it plagues us all at one time or another.  In the beginning I struggled with the fact that it was ok to be happy.  If you arent already coming from the Sufficient Grace blog go here.  Kelly does a great job explaining why it is ok to be happy and joyful.  It takes time to get to that point where you can have fun again, but it WILL happen.  That's not saying there wont be moments where you are suddenly stricken with guilt again, but it gets easier to talk yourself out of it.  When I got pregnant so soon after we lost Vanessa (3 months) I struggled so hard thinking she would feel replaced.  I was so excited about the new life within me, but I didnt know whether I should be.  I didnt want her to think I had forgotten her.  She let me know she didnt.  I shared in a previous post about a dream I had one night that I was struggling.  I saw her beautiful face, older, but like the Bible says, in Heaven we will know each other.  I felt such joy at seeing her, but it was quickly replaced with guilt.  Did she know I was pregnant?  Was she mad?  Was she hurt?  Did she understand?  With an eye roll typical of a 13 year old girl, followed by an understanding smile, she said to me, "Seriously, mom?  I just want you to be HAPPY."  And with that I woke up to peace.  The kind of peace that only comes from God.  She knew, she was happy, and she wanted me to be too.  My guilt has never come back that strong, but that's not saying it's not reared it's ugly head.

After Daniel was born I struggled (and still do) with little things.  Well, really, I'm not sure that I would say I struggle...some days...mostly it is a life choice.  I CANNOT lay him down to sleep.  I do at night, but in my bed.  When he naps it is in my arms.  I carry him around where ever I go.  He sits on the counter while I cook or do the dishes, he helps me do house hold chores, he never leaves my side.  Why?  What if?  What if he died?  What about all those moments I never got with Vanessa?  I want to cherish each and every moment  I have with him.  It's hard for me to discipline him, but I do my best.  I go out of my way to try to understand him and be patient with him...all the things I DIDNT do with Luke, my first son, that I should have.  I dont want to live with regrets if something were to happen to him.  Each moment is a gift, and I strive to cherish it.  I often wonder how he and I will cope when the new baby comes.  I will do my best to just slip the new wee one right into our little nest.

Ah, there is another touchy spot right there...the new baby.  What if it's a girl?  Oh, yes, I would love a daughter.  Often I feel robbed and my heart aches thinking of all the things I missed out on, will miss out on.  I have had to remind myself quite frequently about that dream.  Yes, if it turns out that I am currently carrying a little girl I will be over the moon...No more will Easter dresses haunt me or weddings make me green with envy, but I have to remind myself that there will still be a hole.  There will still be a little girl I'm not buying a dress for, not dressing up, not watching walk down the aisle.  I remind myself that she wants me to be happy.  She understands.

You are not alone in this guilt walk.  I think every mother in our shoes feels it...cripe, EVERY mother feels it.  I think we just feel it more intensely because we feel we are fighting  for our children's very memory.  They wont be forgotten.  Not by you.  As long as you tell their story and how the journey has helped you, challenged you, molded and shaped you, they will never be forgotten.  Other's will remember too.  Be gentle with yourself.  You were not put here on this Earth to be sad ALL the time.  "Make a joyful noise!"  It's ok!