Torn

I've spent the last few days rather torn.  My hormones are all over the place for some reason and it's just making a hard situation even harder to deal with.  With the due date of Vanessa lingering so very close everything is setting me off.  I'm a basket case.  I cry at every thing and get upset over the littlest of things.  It would be different if there were someone I could talk to, but everyone seems to have forgotten her.  When I bring her up I either get silent sympathetic looks, or the same old speeches about things "being for the best."  I quit talking to anyone other than Landon about her.  Well, he went to school today so that just left me and poor Daniel.  I say poor Daniel because I assume he is feeling my emotions along with me...and even I dont know what to do with them.

I feel guilty for being excited about him.  It's the only thing that takes the weight off my chest and shoulders, but I feel guilty about it.  I know, I know. She wants me to be happy and is happy too...I know.  I had a dream about it MONTHS ago, but still.  At the same time I feel guilty for grieving her and not being happy with the little one inside me.  *sigh*  No wonder it's hard to breathe.  Dont get me wrong, I love my Daniel.  He's the best thing to happen  to me since Landon, but I will forever miss, and long for, the little darling I never really knew.  It wasnt a "pregnancy" I lost.  It was a life time of dreams.  It was helping her for prom..her wedding...her babies....her life.  It was brown curls and big green eyes...a mischievous grin...a ton of pictures I never took, memories I never made.

Hopefully someone out there gets this and doesnt take it the wrong way.  Like I said, I love my Daniel.  He has really helped me heal a lot...but it's still a loss...and I'm still processing it.

22 Weeks

Today is the official 22 week mark!  I FEEL like 32 weeks, but that's another story.  Kid is LONG and I'm just a short little thing!

How far along? 22 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Just shy of 30 pounds

Maternity clothes? Of course.

Stretch marks? Nothing too serious, but they are there.

Sleep:  INSOMNIA.  My anxiety has been pretty bad which causes the insomnia monster to visit.  Dang.

Best moment this week: Feeling some really awesome kicks!

Movement: TONS! It's so comforting to feel him moving around in there...even though he is ALREADY reaching up into my rib cage from time to time.

Food cravings: Everything.  I've been eating so much...but it is all so good.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Bending over or trying to keep up with Landon in a store.  I really cant go that fast any more and it just doesnt agree with Jax to try.

Have you started to show yet: Oh, yes.

Leakage: Tapered off a little, but it's still collecting in there.

Gender prediction: Boy.

Labor Signs: Nope

Belly Button in or out? In but not for long.  It's stretched to the max.

Wedding rings on or off? On for now.

Happy or Moody most of the time: Moody.

Weekly Wisdom: Just bite your tongue.



On another note....
I was grocery shopping this evening and noticed a full moon out.  Daniel has been a little odd the last few days and I just figured this was why.  Full moons have that effect on babies it seems.  I didnt think anything else about it until I got home and was going through my planner for the next week.  I flipped to the following and seen that Vanessa's due date would have been next Wednesday....then it hit me...I could have been in labor RIGHT NOW.  I could have had her in my arms by Thanksgiving...ouch.

Holiday Season

I look forward to the holiday season each and every year, but then it comes and I just wish it was over.  We have each and ever weekend jam packed until sometime next year.  That is WITHOUT my work schedule.  This is supposed to be my busiest time of year work wise, but I havent been getting many hours so I suppose I at least have that to not worry about.  Last year we almost didnt even get to have Christmas as a family due to my work schedule.  This year I will just straight up quit if they pull that crap again.  I'm hormonal and I'm just not going to take it.  LoL!  That's my favorite part about being pregnant...it's busts up my give a damn.  LoL!

Little Daniel is getting stronger each day.  Last night he actually woke me by kicking in my hip.  I was annoyed at first, but then I remembered all the kicks from Vanessa I was missing out on and decided it was the most glorious feeling I had ever experienced....even if it was 4 am.  We are really getting excited for the little man to get here!

In a few weeks we are planning a road trip to Georgia for Landon's sister's graduation.  I keep going back and forth about whether or not to go.  It's so far and the doctor is concerned about blood clots so we have to stop every hour or so for 20 minutes.  GREAT oppertunity for geocaching, but I refuse to go without Luke and am NOT crazy about pulling him out of school longer than I need to.  The next week he leaves to spend a week and a half with his dad and I dont want to miss the last weekend I'll have with him till next year.  Still, it will take so much to drive that we only be in Georgia a few hours on friday and have to turn around and leave again.  I hate making decisions so my husband told me to go.  I really like it when he just tells me what to do.  LoL!  Saves me stress. 

It's a......

BOY!

Our little one weighed about 13 oz and has super long legs and arms!  Head looks like his daddy's and he has a little belly like Luke did!  So super cute!  I cannot wait to hold the little love!

Daniel Coleman Patrick Jackson

Daniel: Taken both from the Bible and from the character Daniel Jackson on Stargate SG-1.  We are officially super geeks

Coleman: Named after Landon's best friend, Vance Coleman, who has muscular dystrophy.  Kid is a super awesome trooper.  He's amazing and a true inspiration.

Patrick:  My grandma lost a baby right around 20 weeks who she named Patrick.

The doctor said everything looks amazing.  He is growing just right, has all his little bits and pieces.  Blood pressure is getting high.  They arent concerned, but she said I have 10 pts left before it reaches hypertension and I'm only half way done.  Weight may be playing a factor though.  I dont feel as though, nor do I look, like I've gained it, but I'm at 30 pounds.  I asked her about it and she said I can stop now.  LoL!  No more fast food!!!  Other than that I eat pretty well, it's just the dang convenience of the crap.  

We are cleared for travel.  Dr. H took the day off so no biopsy!  That made me feel a LOT better.  We will be doing it Dec. 9th at our next appointment.

It's Finally my Favorite Pregnant Day!

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with all three babies THIS is the day I looked forward to the most.  Yesterday was so full of anxiety and nerves, but today I just want to see!  I dont even care one bit who is in there, I just want good measurements, healthy heart, healthy baby.  Puh-weeze!!!!!

I dont really think I have slept since about 1am.  LoL!  I got up to pee and then laid there for what seemed like hours trying to go back to sleep, but when I looked at the clock again it had only been a few minutes.  I HATE that feeling.  Ugh!  So around 6:30 I gave in and got up.  I have about a half hour left before my "pee strike" starts so now I have THAT little jewel to look forward too.  For those of you who blissfully have no children, or who's doctor is not a sadist, a "pee strike" is when your doctor tells you to drink 32 oz (half a gallon!) of water and not pee for 2 hours before your appointment.  Apparently this fluid in your bladder pushes your uterus up and gives the Tech doing the scan a better picture.  It makes sense, but seriously?  I didnt have to do this at 12 weeks for my abdominal scan, everything was MUCH smaller, and we seen it all just fine!  She has zoom on that thing for a reason!  LoL!  Ok, stepping off soapbox.

We bought Luke a little something from the baby for after the US, however I set myself for failure.  I'm apparently so 100% sure that the baby is a boy that I bought a book entitled, "Micheal's New Baby Brother."  The baby in the book is named Daniel so of course it was just too perfect.  The problem is that they had NO book for a baby sister.  How sexist!  LoL!  So we are celebrating if he has a baby brother and just saying, "Congrats.  Go back to school." if it's a girl.  Poor kid.  I have a feeling he's going to cry if they tell him he's getting a sister any way.  HaHa!  He's so excited though.  I didnt think HE would be able to sleep he was so hyper over it.  I know we will have to be really careful because he's been my only for so long, but I honestly feel in my heart and soul that he is going to be the best big brother a kid ever had.  He's my Luke, of course he'll do awesome!

Well, it's time to start coffee and breakfast for my boys.  I will keep you all updated as soon as I get a chance.  With the biopsy and all that jazz being right after it will take me awhile, but there is no way I will be able to keep this all to myself!  Pictures soon!!!

One more day!

Tomorrow is the big day!  Our ultrasound is scheduled for 9:30 am and I am sort of having mixed feelings about it.  There is just something about seeing your baby on that screen that makes it so real...so amazing...but then I immediately have to go back to the "procedure" room for a coloscopy and biopsy...which has a nasty history of causing pre-term labor and, of course, my old nemesis bleeding.  I would have preferred that he done the biopsy last week and let me have my freak out time, but do the ultrasound later so that I could see that everything was ok.  I'm one of those people who need that tangible proof.  Weeks of nothing bad happening is not enough for me.  I need to see it to know it's ok.  As it stands I get to see the baby, bond that much more, and then spend the rest of my pregnancy wondering if everything is ok.  I'm seriously considering putting MYSELF on bed rest for a few days even if HE doesnt.  LoL!  I just really cant go through all that again.

On the other hand, I'm so excited to finally find out who is in there!  I litterally felt last night like there was an octopus in there at one time there was so much twirling and swirling going on.  Little one was having a ball!  I've really enjoyed this pregnancy...I mean, yeah, it's super really nerve wracking and I'm an emotion wreck from time to time, but physically this has so far been a cake walk...aside from that early nausea.  Back pain and swelling is really my only complaint.  It would different if the silly thing wasnt so LOW!  My goodness.  I had someone stop me yesterday and ask me if I was ok because they had never seen a woman carry a baby so low.  I wanted so bad to say "No, my groin hurts, my hips hurt, my back hurts, and my bladder hurts," but I just smiled and said, "It's not so bad!"  All while wincing through the head ache.  LoL! 

Any last minute predictions?  So far I have 3 votes for a girl and all the rest going towards a boy, myself included.  I want a girl so bad, but I trust God to know what is best for me and our family.  Belly pic coming tomorrow along with the results...pictures from the ultrasound coming as soon as we get them scanned.  Stay Tuned!

Halloween Peanuts

 Ok, I hadnt posted in a few days and I thought I'd let everyone know I am still alive.  Baby Jax is still doing good...loving the diet of jazz that is pumped through my womb ;)

Luke was Indiana Jones for Halloween last weekend and he pulled it off very well!  We had a hard time finding a costume so we just made it last minute, but it was better than the ones I had found on the internet anyway.  He had tons of fun trick or treating and we even ran into some friends while we were out.

I was able to find Vanessa a Christmas ornament.  I was really upset that she was not going to have one, and this was supposed to be her first Christmas.  We were at Menard's this past weekend and I went to the Christmas section while Landon was looking at insulation for the basement.  I love Christmas!  Babies make it just that more special.  I was so caught up in the fact that next year we would have baby Jax and he will be old enough to really enjoy it with!  I started thinking of all my friends who have had babies recently and how they will get to experience all that stuff this year, and my mind wandered to Vanessa.  I started to feel guilty, of course, for being so caught up in Baby Jax...I wandered over to the ornaments and remembered that I didnt have one for Nessa...I still have MY first ornament.  I was  looking at some when I seen a baby in a peanut shell like a bunting.  It said "peanut" across it.  We called Nessa our peanut while she was here...I lost it.  I took it down, sobbing, and found my husband.  He took one look at the look on my face when I showed him what I had found and said, "We are buying it. No questions."  I cupped that silly thing in my hand the rest of the time we were there.  I reluctantly laid it on the belt at the check out, feeling as though I was laying my daughter down, and Landon snatched it back up at the other end.  He said, " just give it back to her.  I know that look."  I felt so silly for being so protective over that dumb peanut, but it was Hers.  I now a partially finished blanket and a peanut christmas ornament.