Our Butterfly Babies

I felt like I really needed that hour...like it was my excuse to dwell and cry and miss her.  My excuse to do all the things everyone tells me not to do, but that I want to do so bad.  And then I had to work.  Someone called off and I had to go in.  I cried.

Landon, however, being the awesome daddy that he is lit the candles and took a few moments to remember our little ones.  I said a quick prayer at work for all of us and for our babies, but it was a 10 second head prayer cause we were really busy around that time....of course.  Any way, it's the thought that counts and I was right there lighting those candles with him.

Remembering our Lost Babies

 Luke loved the idea of putting butterflies on the candle holder, but he was concerned that Vanessa wasnt the only one with a butterfly.  He didnt quite get that they all have left us like butterflies flitting away.  He was going off of her name...Vanessa means "butterfly."  Silly boy.

Tonight from 7-8 we will be lighting candles for our Vanessa, and also for Carleigh and Jordan (Holly's babies), Emma (Anna's baby),  and my uncles-Patrick Lyle and Baby Young.

Please take a few minutes with us and remember those who have to say good bye too soon to their precious little ones.  There are so many others who we could have lit candles for, but please know that they will NOT be forgotten as we pray tonight.  It's just that I only had 6 candle holders :) 

Day 15

What you like about your house.

I have a very love/hate relationship with this house.  I HATE the layout of the living room in relationship to the kitchen/dining area.  It just really bugs me.  I think I would be ok if my dad would let me move furniture around from time to time, but he is adamantly against it.  We were finally able to sneak in a swap of end tables between the chairs so that has helped.  I think this year at Christmas I'm going to insist that the tree has no where to go with out some rearranging.  That should buy me a few months of change at least.

Right now I am really loving our bedroom.  We just moved stuff around and cleaned REALLY good with the kirby.  Landon even went outside and cleaned the windows really well.  We have the pak n play all set up and ready for baby Jax!  All I need is the dresser, but we dont have room for that.  It wont fit in our room so we are sending a bookcase in the hallway to the basement to make room for it.  I guess it's not a hall so much a little nook between our room and Luke's.  Any way, here are some pictures of our finished room I took for Jax's baby book.

 The pak n play actually really goes with everything else in there really well!  Even Vanessa's Blanket looks great!  LoL!

 Our room is sooo tiny.  I cant believe we got everything in here.

Looking out into the alcove/hall.  Directly through the door is Luke's room and the doors you are seeing there are a closet on the left and then JUST a sliver of the bathroom door.  The baby's dresser is going to go immediately to the right facing that closet.  This was so not the floor plan I had picked out, but whatever.  Ugh.  We will make it work and it will look awesome to boot!

Glucouse Screen

I swear I remember that orange stuff tasting nastier than it did today.  It really isn't bad if you drink it REALLY cold.  They took the blood they needed and the nurse said the results will be back tomorrow. 

Dr. KH came in and checked Jax's heart rate...MUCH slower, but she said is still sounds good.  All I could say was BOY.  LoL!  I was right as to it's location, he was lying right in the middle and very low.  She said it was no big deal.  I was a little concerned because he is RIGHT on my bladder and it HURTS, but she said if that is where he wants to be then that is where he is going to be.  HaHa! 

I got the results from the Pap they did at my previous appointment.  I assumed all was well as I hadn't hear back from them, but I was wrong.  My high risk HPV is back.  After my ultrasound in November I get to go over and have a biopsy done to find out just what we are dealing with this time.  They will not take it out of the center to keep from hurting Jax so we will not know if it is superficial or if it goes deeper.  They cannot do any type of  Cryo or LEEP until after the baby is born.  What worries me is that the high risk stuff changes and grows faster than the other stuff and there is no way he can stop it right now.  Oh, well.  Send some prayers our way please.  There isn't much else we can do.

On the bright side:  we are finding out whether baby Jax is actually Daniel or Emma on November 11th at 9:30am!  SO excited.  Obviously, I'm pretty sure it's Daniel floating around in there, but I'm not comfortable calling it one or the other until I'm sure.

Day 14

A non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.

I never managed to get my hands on any of those books that were written by other mom's who had a loss, but it's ok.  I probably would have just sad around bawling longer.  I heal better if I just get up and do something.  Dont get me wrong, I definetly have my pity parties like everyone else, but I've learned that there are some things I'm better off just staying away from.

I would have to say that the Bible really helped me out a lot.  No, I dont read like I should, but it's always there when I need it, and I know that.  I have a KJV that is marked ALL up with notes I have made about verses that helped me through this time or that.....verses are underlined that are meaningful to me.  I love that Book. 

Days 7-13

Hopefully I can get caught up today.  I think these will mean more when you are reading them one at a time.  Please say a prayer for us today...6 months ago today we lost our little girl. 

Day 7~~A photo that makes you happy

There are sooo many, but I will choose one close to my heart for many reasons.  This trip we were able to be present at the wedding of our cousins and dear friends, I seen the ocean for the first time, ate all sorts of new food, had my first massage, went out of the country for the first time, and my husband proposed to me on this trip.  Last September (2009) we went to Beaches Resort on Turks and Caicos.

Day 8~~A photo that makes you angry or sad

This one is hard.  I tend to take photos of happy times so I suppose this one is more bittersweet.

This picture is from a few days before we lost Vanessa.  I was almost 7 weeks pregnant with her and we were out geocaching with Luke.  I was so excited because this was taken at our 50th cache we found and it was our first, and only, family picture with all of our children at the time.  I didnt realize it at the time, but this picture has come to mean so much to me...and it hurts at the same time to know that she will never be in another...physically.

Day 9~~A photo you took since your loss

Just after we lost our lil girl a co worker of mine gave me some zoo tickets she had won.  She was scheduled to work after requesting off and told me to take them instead....have some fun with my family.  It meant so much to me. We had been wanting to go, but it is so expensive.  We were able to have a great time and enjoy the child we still had.  Luke had a ball!  It rained the whole day, but we had sooo much fun together!

Day 10~~A photo taken over 10 years ago and how it makes you feel to see it now.
Sorry, I dont have pics that old on my PC.  I didnt even have a PC 10 years ago.  Seriously.

Day 11~~A recent picture of you and how it makes you feel
Ah, and easy one :)

 My wedding day :)  I was 6 weeks pregnant with Baby Jax.

I'm not to fond of this one, but Lando likes the random pictures of me so I thought I'd throw it in there.  I'm not a fan of side shots of me, and I always look mad unless I KNOW you are taking a picture.  Whats going on with my hair?  Ah, oh well.

Day 13~~A fictional book that is important to you since your loss
There isnt really ONE.  None of them are really "important" in any significant way, but I enjoy books like Harry Potter, Eregon, Percy Jackson....series about kids thrown into "grown up" situations with mythology and fantasy thrown in.

30 Posts in 30 Days

She is mentioned a few times...there are butterflies all over the back ground you are looking at...so why do I still feel as though there is an elephant in the room?  I actually feel convicted if someone asks me how many children I have and I tell them 2.  As soon as the words come out of my mouth I tear up.  I do not have 2 children, I have 3.  Yes, three.  Luke, Vanessa, and Baby Jax.  Yes, Vanessa. 

October is International Infant and Baby Loss month or something along the lines.  The 15th is the actual Pregnancy and Baby Loss day.  We will be joining in with other parents who have suffered a loss and lighting a candle for our little girl at 7pm local time.  The idea is that if everyone around world lights a candle and leaves it for an hour...there will be a continuous wave of life around the world for 24 hours.  Actually we are doing 6 in remembrance of a few very close friends and family members who have lost babies.  Sadly we could have lit more than 6, but the candle holder only holds 6.  

Along with the whole theme for October being "our" month for those who lost little ones too soon, a few women have put together a "30 posts in 30 days" sort of journal thing to do.  Just to collect thoughts.  You never know who might stumble across your blog and need a word of encouragement, or just to know that someone out there is struggling as well (as I did this morning).  Needless to say, I'm 12 days behind.  I just stumbled on it and thought I might as well jump on the band wagon.

Day One~~A song that reminds you of your child.

Wow, where to begin.  There are so many.  Obviously "Glory Child" and "Held".  "Held" is the second song on the playlist over in the margin.  As we were sitting in the doctor's office waiting to get called in for our first ultrasound with Vanessa they played Kelly Clarkson "Already Gone" which really just set the mood for the entire next week of my life.  Brad Paisley "Who You'd Be Today" sets me off everytime too.  Right after we lost her I couldnt listen to the radio at all, but I'm able to hold it together better now.

Day Two~~A movie that helped you get through the hard times

There isnt really one.  I did watch a lot of Harry Potter just for the escape I suppose.

Day Three~~A television show that either helped you get through your loss or really moves you

Yeah, no.  I dont really watch a lot of TV.  I spent of the months after loosing Vanessa just with Landon.

Day Four~~Your favorite book.  Has it changed?

I'm like Holly here.  I would love to tell you that I read my Bible more, but I dont.  I have never been very good at that which is really surprising considering how much I LOVE to read.  Landon reads to me at night to help my mind not wander before I go to sleep.  It really helps a ton.  We have been trying to get through Harry Potter for awhile now.  Just started the 6th book last week.

Day Five~~Your Favorite Quote

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
 ¹ O LORD, you have searched me
       and you know me.  ² You know when I sit and when I rise;
       you perceive my thoughts from afar.
 ³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
       you are familiar with all my ways.
 ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
       you know it completely, O LORD.
 ⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
       you have laid your hand upon me.
 ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
       too lofty for me to attain.
 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
       Where can I flee from your presence?
 ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
       if I make my bed in the depths, ^[a] you are there.
 ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
       if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
       your right hand will hold me fast.
 ¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
       and the light become night around me,"
 ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
       the night will shine like the day,
       for darkness is as light to you.
 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
       you knit me together in my mother's womb.
 ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
       your works are wonderful,
       I know that full well.
 ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
       when I was made in the secret place.
       When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 ¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
       All the days ordained for me
       were written in your book
       before one of them came to be.
 ¹⁷ How precious to ^[b] me are your thoughts, O God!
       How vast is the sum of them!
 ¹⁸ Were I to count them,
       they would outnumber the grains of sand.
       When I awake,
       I am still with you.
 ¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
       Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
 ²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
       your adversaries misuse your name.
 ²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
       and abhor those who rise up against you?
 ²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
       I count them my enemies.
 ²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
       test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
       and lead me in the way everlasting.

Not a quote, but is always where I end up.

Day 6~~ Twenty things that calm you

I'm going to stop here cause this is getting long.  I'll do the rest tomorrow to catch up.
1.Taking a walk
2.Reading
3.Getting out of the house
4.Cleaning
5.Cooking
6.Gardening
7.Luke
8.Baby Jax
9.Landon
10.Mindlessly surfing the "web"
11.Back rubs :)
12.A good hot bath
13.Scrapbooking
14.Mowing

Sadly I cant get 20.  I'm seriously stuck at 14.  HaHa!  I think that goods though, we'll call it a day here.  Untill tomorrow.....