Day 23

A You Tube video that makes you laugh.

I dont really watch youtube.  Seriously.  Man, am I a loser or what?!?!

On another note, TODAYS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!  Perhaps a birfday post is in order later to let you all know how the day goes :)

Day 22

A website that has been helpful since your loss.

I spent a lot of time on Carleigh's blog just to know that I wasnt alone.  Other than, I surprising found a lot of support on facebook of all places.  There were a few people who made my life hell for awhile, but over all everyone of my friends were so supportive.


Keep me in your prayers this weekend.  Tomorrow is my birthday and for some reason I'm really really struggling with Vanessa not being here.  I cant explain why.  I wish I knew.  All I know is that every time I open a card her name is the first one I look for....and it's never there because everyone else just wants to pretend that she never happened and go on with life.  It breaks my heart to not see that name on a card.  Last night my grandparents threw me a small birthday party at fish fry and spent a good half hour in the bathroom crying because I was missing a child.  My heart ached all evening last night as if I had lost her all over again.  I dont know why I feel like this all of a sudden, but there it is.  We have a lot planned for tomorrow so hopefully the boys can keep my mind occupied.  Too bad it's my heart I worry about.

Days 19-21

Getting a little behind on this.  SLACKER! 

Day 19-A talent of yours

Hmm.  The boys love my cooking and everyone always points to my music.  I play, well, a lot of instruments and sang in both the OSU chorus and women's ensemble with classical opera being my main love.  That's about the only thing I miss about college.  I've often thought of going back to the chorus (it's open to the public) but something always comes up in life that keeps me from committing from it.

Day 20-A hobby of yours and how it has changed since your loss

Oh, I have a ton.  Cooking and cleaning being the ones I do the most, obviously, but there are a ton others.  I love scrapbooking, but really dont have the time (or money) for it right now.  I just went through the pictures on my computer yesterday and seperated them all out to be printed as soon as someone has a sale.  I also really enjoy crocheting. I started a blanket as soon as I found out I was pregnant.  I worked on it every chance I got morning or night.  The day I lost her I finished the row I was on, tied it off and didnt touch a piece of yarn for MONTHS.  It wasnt until I was pregnant with Jax that I really started again.

Day 21-A recipe

Sorry.  you'd have to kill me first :)  Honestly I dont have many.  I just throw stuff together.  I have started trying to write stuff down the past few years, but it's hard to measure dashes and pinches.

Ah, that's better!

Boys, dont read any further.  This post deals with issues such as lactation and will only make you turn pink.


Any way.  I love how everything I have read says that you should expect your breasts to start leaking during the 3rd trimester....yet mine are...NOW...at 17 weeks.  I LOVE it.  LoL!  No seriously.  There is something about lactating that makes me feel like body is working properly.  At the same time, I wonder what engorgement is going to be like later on.  It's not bad, but enough now that I need to express a few drops at night or I'm so uncomfortable I cant sleep.  My breast pads are my new best friend all over again.

On the home front, the house is coming along nicely.  We have to move around a ton of stuff and send some furniture to the basement just to get the baby's dresser in, but I've almost got it done.  Just one more bookcase to empty then move and it's done.

I have my first order of dipes already here, and the second is on the way this weekend.  Once those get here we will have almost all of our newborn size dipes in.  After that we are using the one-size so that they will grow with Jax and we wont have to keep buying more as he grows.  You should see Luke with them.  He thinks cloth dipes are the coolest things ever!  That's my boy!  I love how they have such cute patterns and colors.  I think it will make it even more fun for Luke when Jax gets here...he can pick which cool dipe his bubby gets to wear :)

Day 17 and 18

Day 17 is a picture that moves you.  I dont have a copy of it, but for me it is the photo of the  doctor operating on the pregnant woman and the fetus sticks it little hand out and grabs his finger.  Wow.  How much more proof of life do you need?

Day 18~My wedding

We were planning on getting married before the end of this year any way when we were pleasantly surprised by baby Jax :)  We went up to the Crawford county courthouse on August 5, 2010 with our parents and grandparents and tied the knot!  I was 6 weeks pregnant with Jax at the time.  I already had a little bump going and had to get a new dress that would fit me.  I still have the $800 dress from David's Bridal hanging behind the closet door....and the $15 dress I wore is hanging on the front.  Lol!  Here are some pictures from our big day!

 Waiting in the Lobby to be called back...and for everyone to get there.

 My momma and daddy.  I was so excited cause I didnt know if my mom was going to be able to get off work that morning.

 My grandparents...and my Luka

 Landon and I with his mom and Grandma Jimmy (Traxler)

 With Landon's grandparents on his dad's side, Faye and Curt. 

 Saying our vows...I could NOT get his ring to go on to save my life.

 My most current family picture...we traded Nessa for Jax, but I have a very strong feeling she was there with us too.

Mr. and Mrs. Jackson!  It still hasnt quite sunk in that I'm a Mrs.  Wow.  LoL!

Cloth Diapers

After a long day snapping at customers I was sent home early today :)  I was pretty much falling asleep on the sales floor and we werent really THAT busy any way...we had the coverage. 
I got home and had Landon run and check the mail for me, just in case, and sure enough my dipes were here!  I was sooo excited!  It was just what I needed after that yucky day at work. 


After getting our dipes in I ran to the computer to read up some more on cloth diapering.  There is so much to know and keep straight!  How to wash, how many for each stage, what type of diapers.  I get overwhelmed so I try to just take in little bits at a time.  It helps to talk to current mom's who are doing it.  Whenever I try to talk to my grandma she just rolls her eyes, says I'm spending too much by using the "all in one" style, and that I wont last a week.  Thanks for the encouragement.

We have decided to use the All in Ones since they are the easiest, throw in a few of the pocket style too.  Once Baby Jax is out of the newborn size we will be switching into the One-size diapers so we can cut some cost there too.  Granted, this is all dependent on the fact that he does well with the One-size.  I know some babies still have trouble with leaks while they are smaller but too big for the Newborn.  This is the game plan though.

I'm so thankful Landon is on board with this.  He was the one that brought it up first...less cost over disposables, less mess to haul out when the garbage bag gets full, no diapers piling up in the landfill, and none of the chemicals that are in disposables.  I'm so excited for Baby Jax to get here so I can see his cute little tush in these things!

Day 16

A song that makes you cry....

There are so many.  However, Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" sends me into hysteric sobs every time I hear it..I dont mean I tear up, bawl, or even "cry"...I mean I loose it.  I feel like it is Vanessa singing the song to me.  When we went in for our US the first time (or second time I cant remember) that we thought she was gone this song was playing in the lobby of the dr's office.  I knew that moment that no matter what I did, how hard I begged, pleaded, or cried....I had to let her go.  Sometimes I think I should have fought harder and not given up, but then as a mother we just know sometimes.  She's better off where she is anyway...and I KNOW she is happy...so here it is, the song that breaks my heart.