Baby Shower!

Most of the nation is sitting in front of their TV's watching the Super Bowl...and yes, I have it on, but it's just background noise.  My attention is turned to making out our birth plan and updating the blog.  Yesterday we hit 33 weeks...which means in 5-7 weeks I will have a baby boy cuddled at my breast...scares me to death and thrills me all the same time.

Yesterday was also my baby shower...in the middle of a snow storm.  Yeah.  While God was dumping 4 inches of snow on the county I was eating mexican food, watching people guess how big around I was (which surprisingly didnt bother me), and opening up gift after gift for my Daniel.  I didnt take any pictures, but the girls who threw the shower did.  I have a few of them, but most are not up yet.

This is me and my best friend since elementary school, Katie.  She and I have been through pretty much everything together...are both mothers to two boys now, and are also cousins-in-law.  HaHa!  I was so thankful to her for taking the time out of her super busy schedule to throw me a shower.  She has a 3 year old, 6 month old, works, AND her husband works nights.  She's such a great friend!

We mostly got clothes...as in all but a handful of items.  LoL!  Katie had a TON of clothes from her boys, most with tags still, so we inherited those along with the ones we were given as gifts.  I literally have enough clothes to clothe triplet boys.  LoL!  I'm serious.  Her MIL (Landon's great aunt) gave us a car seat and swing.  It is so cool.  The base also fits the car seat we already had, and the carriers for both the old and new car seat can sit in the swing.  Hard to explain so here is a picture.

Gotta love my new dipes on the floor back there...they are waiting to be washed. 

Here is the car seat carrier in the swing.  Coolest thing ever.  We also got a few toys, packs of sposies, wipes, lotion, and a new boppy with cover.  Daniel did pretty good :)

As far as the whole pregnancy after loss thing...today has been hard.  I still occasionally have dreams and last night was one of those nights.  In the dream I go into labor and everything goes well.  No complications or anything.  Daniel is born screaming and healthy...and then the doctor says, "You're not done.  The next one is right behind him."  Excuse me?  So I push...and push...and out comes a baby girl...who is slightly bigger than Daniel.  The doctor and nurses look her over and, long story short, it ends up being Nessa.  The doctor explains that the D and C must have been incomplete and all this time I was carrying both babies.  Obviously this cant happen as Nessa's due date was Dec. 1 and Daniels is March 27th, but still.  It has an effect on a person.  I remember all these feelings rush through me as I push her out...but I never see her, never get to hold her.  All I know is that there is another I have to deliver..and then they take her and tell me all this stuff.  I woke up half in tears this morn.
  I often wonder about Daniel and how I make him feel.  Does he know how much I love him...does he understand the reason why I have distanced myself from this pregnancy...does he know why mommy cries sometimes like her heart is shattering...Does he know that despite my pain and grief that I need him, love him, and want nothing more than for him to be born safe and happy?  I'm sure he does, but still I wonder at times.